Chief Feature ... an exercise

From a paper journal, dated 131208:

From memory ... not even that.
Features of False Personality

Imaginary I
Many I's
Lack of SR
Internal Considering
Lying
Buffers
Expressing negative emotions
Unnecessary talk (out of control)
Requirements
Identifying
Vanity
Self-will
Lack of self-observation
Out of control imagination

And then, what I missed (forgot)

Sleep
General lying & self-justifying
FORMATORY THINKING
MECHANICAL ROLES
Self-pictures
Negative/useless attitudes
False suffering
Mechanical associations
Mechanical dislikes/opinions
Mechanical annoyances.

Most of what I missed, was just that, failing to bring into memory but once I looked them up, it was obvious - like I know that eventually they would've popped up. They weren't really forgotten. Not so for those two features highlighted in capitals. I experienced a real shock realising I had missed them. I really had forgotten all about these features - to the extent that having them back in memory almost immediately released me from their power, if only temporarily.

And maybe there is something in this. Remember, this exercise came about after a discussion of Chief Feature and being disappointed with myself for having actually forgotten what I once understood. (Although, I read in a work source quite recently that this is known to happen - but that hardly helps!). So maybe I should entertain the idea, because it doesn't seem impossible, that my Chief Feature could be that I get lost in Mechanical Roles.

Update 010209:

His Chief Feature is that he is contradictory. He has to assert the contrary or opposite. I knew it all along!

The Aim:

1. To increase Real Will
2. To increase Consciousness
3. To increase Understanding

I'm putting this here as a simple statement of intent. It doesn't aim to be all and everything but it sets a simple structure to the coming year:

1. Twice daily Prayer.
2. Basic Work: The Seven Day Standard
- Come into a state of SR whilst in the midst of difficult & surprising events x 7 daily
- External Considering* is always conscious: thrice daily
- Record efforts on 5x3 cards & use notebooks, journals, etc, where motivated.
- Rest for 3 days.
- Repeat this 7/3 effort for the rest of 2009.
3. Read Calvin's Institutes (Beveridge trans.) daily following the Princeton Theological Seminary.
4. Swim 2 to 4 times weekly. Reduce strokes-per-length, etc.
5. I have a new instrument to study and learn. Daily.
6. Study work sources, either in short bursts or durations. Have regular 'projects'.
7. Always 'follow the claim of the object', willing things, willing people, willing events, willing the Work.

* Some practical examples of External Considering:

• new thinking
• avoid slander and cheap talk
• avoid making requirements of others
• transform negative thoughts of others into positive thoughts
• see all negativity as a gift
  
• put oneself in another's position
• find in oneself a state corresponding to that found in others - remember that you felt like this once
• discern the other persons needs and try to meet them
• remember that people are asleep, they know not what they do, they are machines
• "In relation to other people, you must not act without thinking. Think first, then act. If this person would prefer you to act in some manner and not another, it is all the same to you, so why not do what he likes?" - O

NOTES

I'm into the 12th day of this year long work effort, and though I do not intend to document a running commentary here, I appear to have succumbed to my need to make some brief note. The first seven days revealed some difficulty in meeting my own quota of three daily efforts to externally consider. That's worth putting on record because I'll be here at the end of 2009 assessing this effort. I also recognise some significant slippage (or perhaps levelling out on a plateau) since the previous work octave ended in Easter 2008. It's a truth: aim prevents drift. And finally, I intend through each successive 7 day period of activity to introduce additional work efforts to those outlined above. Currently I am giving up self-will 10 times daily. But at any rate, I'm circling in on all those features of false personality that never truly go away. (150109)

External Considering

Seven Day Aim

16 - 22 December 2008

For whatever reasons, I frequently find myself drawn into arguments. Truly unnecessary, even meaningless arguments that burn good energy and leave a bilious taste in the gut. Sometimes I observe the cause arising within others but often it is the out of control parts of my own being gaining unbridled expression. This aim seeks the non-expression of all irritations and disagreements and secondly the conscious effort to hear the other person: to step aside. As they say in kung fu, 'receive what comes, follow what goes'. It's simply a way of controlling the opponent's energy, to yield and let it go, to trap it, to handle it as one chooses - as the occasion demands.

The second element of this effort is good 'ole standard 7 x daily rote self-remembering and prayer.

State of Being

"For the goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey ... "

And we find ourselves left wandering, travelling through this earthly kingdom openly exposed to the "subtil of heart" who wish to draw us into a chamber of death, to snare and then slay us.

And this is the picture of any one of us at any time we are not engaged in the effort to awaken, at any time we are not assembled to rule the congregation.

[Proverbs 7]

Transform the Unmanifest

We want to place a point of consciousness at the tip of a particular activity or event. We want to transform something, at least one thing each day. We want to create energy of consciousness, preserve something rather than lose it in the ceaseless passing momentariness of the day. It doesn't matter what the event is - sailing a skiff, ironing your night shirts, milking an anglo-nubian, ploughing the legumes, cooking plantain ... for breakfast. Or something entirely different. We want to give what we have - our time - in conscious service to the Glory of God. We need to do this much to stand still.

But here's something to think about. While we aim to put consciousness into events, and recurrent trivial events at that, there are yet greater glories to uphold. Certain things are not meant to enter into manifestation - there are things that need not come down at all. The Work has always been something we experience in the flow of life. It picks us up in the commotion of daily living, long recognised as the best place to experience and thus find valuation for the Work. Amidst this daily agitation, we quickly come to understand that our point of contact is often already too late to effect much transformation. We are left developing a passive Observing I. No bad thing in itself but only an early day motion. Even in the heat of more direct efforts and planned programs, we are too often found bloodied, conquered by forces beyond our previous imagining. It is obvious to say it, we need to work in the unmanifest. If it sounds at all doubtful then observe something simple, a coarse event: the presence of negative emotions in daily life. So commonplace is this infectious fever - it's nearly invisible - we can say, almost confidently, by the time we are adults the majority of our emotional tagging of events will be negative. Our neuro-emotional networks are riddled with dark cancerous markers just waiting to release the next wave of negative energy into the world. The most trivial things are tagged to release this poison. It takes very little for most of us to throw out our dummies, those that don't see this have not yet experienced their personal limitations. We're such very delicate, self-important things. And none of this even touches on the influence of giant sinkhole events such as 9/11 or the current meltdown of the worlds financial institutions.

We are surrounded by people, they are everywhere and they are all making demands of us. When they are not making demands we find ourselves wrestling with ideas or monologues triggered either by the memory of other people or else in some other manner related back to our musings on our relationships with others, be that real or imagined, physically familial or as tenuous as connecting with a long dead author. And if any of that abates for a moment, life-events fill the vacuum, some crisis occurs. Or else we are overwhelmed with loneliness, boredom, a sense of inadequacy, lack of recognition for our personal genius or what ever other emotional stupidity is having the better of us. It is a world full of negative emotions swirling in a dynamic melange of human interplay. All of this negativity is first established in the unmanifest. By giving expression to our negative emotions we give 'it' manifest form to breathe and prosper. Once it's out there it runs amok - and that is the level at which daily life conducts itself.

And then we have the Work. We may practise placing consciousness in Dance Movements or the Art of Pancake Flipping but recognise that these efforts simply cock the hammer, the energy of consciousness that we so struggle to contain is what ignites the powder and drives out the leaden force of negative emotion. If we sit and wait, we get what comes. It's very simple. Never forget and work actively to transform the unmanifest. Not because we can or ultimately that we need to - after all, the fields are full of Angus, Guernsey and Charolais and the grass is usually green - but because it is the will of God. And because it is an expression of our Service that we seek to cleanse ourselves.

For Lent

Wednesday 6th February - Saturday 22nd March

Forty-day aim to control specific areas of talk:

1. Avoid unconscious use of slang language and swearing.
2. Avoid aimless talk. Recognize gossip as a descending octave.
3. Avoid complaint or 'moaning'.

As a general guide: Stop talking before they stop listening.

And pray.

During Lent Sundays are not counted as they are always taken as days of remembrance. As this aim follows Lent, Sundays are counted as days of effort.

I haven't said it, and in the fire it may be missed. This aim assumes the daily practise of self-remembering:

• whilst reading scripture
• during the efforts to make this aim real
• during seven routine daily tasks & events

This aim coincides with another aim which I prefer not to divulge but which I mention knowing the backlash will impinge upon this effort.

Luk 21:19 In your patience possess ye your souls.

Notes

1. Think of The Odyssey, Bk 17
   Argus the Hound, there at the end of his days. Odysseus returns after 20 years, the man that bred the hound - it's extraordinary to see a beauty like this lying in the dung. Eumaeus the swineherd: This dog did have a master but it's all too obvious he died abroad.
   
   I am in the fire. By 0800am I was in a major conflict with several people, outnumbered and losing control. It came from nowhere, unexpected side swipe. The heat is on. I spent the day attempting to resist some major force pushing me to identify. Probably I am lost in a state of identifying with only some occasional breath of air. I'm sinking. And I know it. How did I cope controlling my mouth? Pretty poor. Maybe some control but mostly none. I watched myself cussing and bitching. I was out in the battlefield exhausted, drained, wanting to run home feeling that I'm not cut out for this. (I'm at home now feeling just the same.) Overwhelmed, bruised, out smarted.
   
   I have this picture of an innocent walking into an ambush without any awareness of what is lying in wait. Having been assaulted he spends the rest of his time reeling from the shock, and feeling woefully inadequate to the quest as it unfolds. He leaves the battlefield like a whimpering Labrador mauled by a Pitbull, head hung low, hunched shoulders, tail between legs, licking his bleeding wounds in disbelief and with a degree of fear. Is this an exaggeration? It's an emotional state. It's what you get when you are measured and cut to size without even knowing what hit you. Innocent? May be not, but in the context of the assault, woefully inadequate and unprepared. And now, where next but to rest and return tomorrow and to care less for what the world will do. An aim was set, a trajectory defined by an effort. Nothing else exists. The forest is in darkness and there is a hush. Take your victuals, dust off your jacket, rest and prepare. A journey has begun and only through Our Lord, will this crossing be taken. Amen. [060208] And admit it, you can't do it alone.
   
   
2. The calm after the storm. It had to be so. I was too battered for anything else to be possible. Yet on reflection, you can't knock these opportunities to experience serious friction generating events. Win or lose, you have to know that such things have to occur. [070208]
   
   
3. It seems I swear a lot. I knew it. I know why too but that's nothing. I don't control it. It's the biggest area of weakness out of the three listed at the top of this post. It has to be clear - observing myself swearing is not enough. There has to be control. I have to be present to prevent it occurring. It's dumb, almost literally. I saw today how I lose energy as I swear. [090208]
   
   
4. Three strikes against me. Yet, other events were controlled. For the record, the two events which are most likely to catch me out are: a) recounting past events, or someone else's story, or b) as an exclamation - something goes wrong and I blurt out "Shit!", "Fuck!", etcetera. [100208]
   
   
5. Another day another war. What do I do? It seems worse, or no better. Nothing has changed. I'm still banging heads with people at 0730 am, (and that, by any standards, isn't worth it). It is interesting to observe though. Interesting how it steals energy, not obviously but it leaves one weakened and feeling less sure, more wobbly. You just can't afford to be wobbly. Forty-nights out in the wilderness with the Devil tempting you is a long time if you start wobbling within the first seven days. It's a long haul. I swore today in a way that I just didn't yesterday. If nothing else at least swearing is a good pointer to the state I'm in - it's a sure sign of sleep. It's easy to be innocent in the midst of these events. Did I say innocent? I meant foolish and duped by one's rational blood & soil thinking. (Not that I want to encourage anything specious but we can understand that there is an order of creation that is supra-rational, burying our heads in the sand of reason is no salvation). To read times of intense strife and friction as if routine daily events of no particular order or value is neither clever or savvy. OK, so it was draining, and the day went pear shaped, but so what? How many other people have daily lives that mess up as soon as they step out into the world? You are just a statistic, one of any number. And, this may be so. You can believe it. Or not. I had to consider, given the nature of my Work, this assault comes from that same generation of vipers, that same godless progeny that were building the civilization of Cain in the blood of his brother. These out of control, out of nowhere, assaults upon our Work - upon my Work - have the tell tale signs of the Rulers of the Darkness of This World that lurk with the intent of smothering all signs of Light. This may all read as highly paranoid but in the heat of the battle, this feels more like a truth than entertainment for the stressed. I recollect a line, a decree given for the Wayfaring Man: The Unclean Shall Not Pass. So with prayer and the help of the Most High God and this decree, I build my defences. For the record, no sooner had I declared that decree than I was racked with physical sensations that appeared to affirm something real in this working. When we step out into the field of battle, when we declare our aims with actions and efforts, be sure the Devil and his children will have your name. (Your fellow sufferers may not know what you are doing but these dark angels most certainly do.) [110208]
   
   Isa 35:8 And a highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness; the unclean shall not pass over it; but it shall be for those: the wayfaring men, though fools, shall not err therein.
   
   
6. There's no telling what places you are going to find yourself roaming when you get involved in efforts to awaken. Stranger still, almost paradoxical, you become alert and awake to certain events and conditions which would lull you into mechanical states, you are vigilant like the night watch at dawn, yet your vulnerabilities in other areas are all the more exposed. Not surprisingly given recent events, I have been waiting for the next onslaught expecting it from the external world, I've braced myself for the inevitable vicious assault. Yet, today I realised much of the past 24 hours I have been smothered with the blanket of internal considering. I have been spent high on the scale of identifying with every passing emotion, trip wires around various individuals, all living and familiar to me in present time. All of this goes on, the Green Knight wants to destroy us, he is the agent of destruction, an enemy on the way. Yet what has he and all the devil's agents? We have in our possession everything we need, even the mystery itself belongs to us. We are great accumulators, it is a divine gift. What has changed? Five years ago I would be here or I would be identifying, now I am here or I am identifying and that part of me that would be here appears to watch that part of me that is identifying. [160208]
   
   
7. I absolutely and completely lost control and flew into a near rage this evening - as close as I can get to fury. Full on melt down, burn up, blow out, incendiary device thing. Total and complete identification with a state of frustration-anger-annoyance-madness rolled into one. Open warfare in the trenches, dirty dog fighting. Black fiends falling. [210208]
   
   
8. Something utterly mystical as if regenerating the whole time body took place this day. The details too acute and personal to put down here. It began early in the morning, a cascade of events that took me from Ludgate Hill, around St Paul's cathedral into Watling Street (a discovery in itself) arriving at St Mary Le Bow for Holy Communion. I was never particularly drawn to Wren's churches personally yet repeatedly my spiritual destiny is woven a little more tightly to his elegant symmetry. I had attempted earlier in the month to arrange a tour of the Whitechapel foundry, where so many of the greatest bells originate, but they were booked months in advance. I was disappointed. What have any of these things to do with this aim? Everything. We must learn to inhabit deeper parts of centres. I'll leave it like that. [220208]
   
   
9. Lot of lessons revealing that I cannot control my mouth. I cannot shut up when I need to. I push things, events, with the things I say. I draw events towards conflict by my inability to shut up. And the words I choose being almost intentionally insulting/challenging/ threatening in ways and turns. Sometimes manipulating sometimes provoking. I let the small man have dominance. Although not wholly. I know for certain that I might choose a particular word to get someone's heckles up because I cannot tolerate their vanity and self-love and it needs kicking. Wrong or right, I can provoke from Work I's. Not certain that should be permissible? Still, I could defend it by saying that the result is a lot of friction which is good for me, but really? I'll leave this note floating because I'm somewhat ambivalent about this matter. I think the first point, at least within the context of the current aim, is that whatever is being vocalized is to be controlled. Beyond that I might look at what is vocalizing, who is doing the talking. [260208]
   
   
10. Another 19 days to go ... and I'm feeling like I've reached a temporary plateau. I daren't say the external assaults have diminished but it is as if those fires I ran through in the early phases of this effort are somewhat below. They were grossly stupid and crass, not especially subtle. Blind and brutish darkness flailing desperately. Well, maybe that type of event is enough to effectively stop some wayfarers? The lesson is simple, welcome all that hits you, receive it as a gift. Friction creates energy. See all negativity as a gift. Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, (EPH 5:20). In anycase, the challenges become increasingly subtle. My struggles are now much more with rapidly emerging states of identifying (with ultimately small trivial interpersonal events) which rise like rogue waves from deep within. Calm waters that suddenly threaten to pound this little ship in two, wine dark depths that would swallow 'me' whole, it only takes the smallest leak. What's to be done? Move fast, remember, consciousness is an under utilized energy - it doesn't belong to us (any of us), it isn't located in some part of the brain - it's 'out there' and free for the effort of taking. You must take it, own it, or fly low with broken wings. Get on your wedding shoes. Harps and bells moving like a wind, here am I far from dry land ... [030308]
    
    
11. Just a short note. Got home from work last night, changing out of my work clothes I placed pocket notepad & pen (which I use to record self-remembering efforts) on the shelf. Having changed went downstairs and got on with life and the evening passed. Went to bed late, slept soundly and awoke, opened my eyes. Instantly like a slap, a shock wave hit me - I was 'out', not present through all yesterday evening. I had forgotten myself for a very long time. That's the thing, it is very easy to forget oneself and when it happens and you experience that initial shock of awakening you realise how little you appreciate or understand what it means to self-remember. Interesting. Remember that shock.
    
    
12. I noticed yesterday, and less so today but then again odd times throughout the week gone, I'm swearing again. Also, never really strapped down the use of slang and catch-phrases and all that lazy stuff that we do with language. In fact, on consideration I reckon the best method for tackling that sort of thing would include an effort to expand one's vocabulary. In truth, a forty-day aim is always a difficult enterprise and this is no exception. I have probably lost a lot of the original impetus and focus. It has become more an effort to self-remember. On the other hand, the unstated aim which coincided with this effort has been most successful. One benefit of a long aim is that one gains a perspective over the journey taken. All those early struggles and dog fights would have no meaning now but they are part of a story and most certainly are meaningful because of that. Events are bracketed. There is a point in the work where life can be anything. I hardly think it matters any more what circumstances or events befall one. I even see how often I intentionally orchestrate events to create situations for myself that are bound by laws that are sure to grate and cause friction - there is something beautiful in willing bondage and knowing that one is liberated and free already and all these worldly things are merely exercises in non-identification. Literally, tests. I could learn my prayer a little better. I could give up yet more of the territory that I spent my entire life protecting. So much has been wasted. Conscious love has no requirements. Now, there is an all embracing rule if one is able to meet it. The future is above us. [150308]
    

Goldberg Variations

In a state of self-remembering listen to the following recording seven times. No start or end dates, but seven complete attentive sessions. Date and times to be noted below.

JS Bach:
Goldberg Variations (BWV 988)
József Eötvös (Guitar)

This recording is beautiful, elegant and controlled and just short of 63 minutes. I forget that this is a solo guitar, the music transcends the instrument through a fluid of unity that is rare. That may be Bach's design but Eötvös has captured and produced something superior amongst such recordings. Unfortunately it is only available from the artist, (and even then his website is broken and you will have to email him):

Jözsef Eötvös

Anyhow, this 10 minute You Tube video is an excellent taster, (if the audio is sub par):

Aria & Variations 1 - 6

The Listenings:

1. 13/01/08 @ 2350
   
2. 14/01/08 @ 1633
3. 16/01/08 @ 2303
4. 17/01/08 @ 1738
5. 20/01/08 @ 0202
6. 22/01/08 @ 1048
7. 27/01/08 @ 11 20

Notes
This work is over 60 minutes duration. That presented difficulties - just finding the time for starters. I had several false starts where I was interrupted by others - especially with the 7th listening. Another issue was that I'd be so tired after work that just sitting down and making an effort to soak up some B Influence would put me to sleep, proper 1st state sleep. So again, timing each listening is important. On the other hand, just because I say I'm going to listen to a CD recording of Bach's Variations shouldn't mean it's plain sailing easy efforts. It shouldn't surprise that this effort took effort to complete. My admiration for József Eötvös still stands, even those extraordinary delicate thin 'weak' lines in the upper register of the instrument manage to hold and contain, nothing is lost. Eötvös' playing has to be described as impeccable.

Negative Talk

Negative emotions make the world go round ...

Duration: Seven days

5th - 11th January

For seven days I will control my mouth. I will not utter anything negative about any person. There shall be no verbal leakage of negative energy either in the words used, the tone or the expression I adopt.

2Pe 1:6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;

Notes:

1. Having formulated this aim, I switched on the TV and caught some popumentary called The Most Annoying People of the Year. Basically half-cast celebs are interviewed on their opinions of other celebs which is then cut with archive footage of the celeb that is getting ripped. Just cheap production values in keeping with celebrity gossip mags and the like. I wasn't even watching the programme as such, just glancing up as different images grabbed my attention. Then I slowly began to realise - and I can hardly believe it now that I am writing it - but it was like I was sub-vocalising what I was hearing. All that negative outpouring was actually entering my being, physically in fact. I don't really believe it happened now that I'm writing it. It's just too strange. I was mimicking their words? So it seemed! (04/01/08)
   
2. Observing thoughts. There's a character at work I put on written warning before Christmas. I would have sacked him long ago, he knows it too. I don't have a problem with his work. But his attitude sucks, his time keeping gets worse and generally he takes the piss. I let him do it on the basis that if I give him enough rope and keep it all documented he'll have no case in a tribunal - I'll not get roasted by the vagaries of employment law in the hands of a solicitor. So I let him hang himself. It's difficult to manage. Other staff think he's getting away with things but that isn't what is actually happening. I'm managing perceptions and the rest. Still, I'm not expecting to see him next week. I'm sure he's got another job. Anyway, my thoughts are drifting around this particular event. I don't bear grudges, I have no problem with him. I'd stop and talk in the street. He's just in the wrong job. Simple. He has anger management issues, as they say. He's got an ugly chip on his shoulder. He's resentful of others. That's grist for the mill if he ever wants to take it up. But I'm watching my thoughts and realising next week I'll be in conversations where people will be slating him. The temptation will be there for me to follow or even lead. And then, thinking about other characters at work, there will be lots of opportunities for me to trip over myself. There is in that environment a lot of negative talk about others. I have it in mind that this whole area of mouth control/talk/thought-chains is ripe for Work over this year - a big area. So ... I'm not saying anything negative about anyone as yet but I'm already noticing negative thoughts - and that is regardless of the fact that I don't really feel negative to this character. It's purely mechanical: he took the piss, I had to handle it carefully to avoid bullshit dismissal claims, other people get pissed off that the situation is unresolved and there is generally a negative vibe in the air and mechanically we all get drawn into putting this guy down whenever he's not around. In practise it may be helpful to counter the external negative expressions of others by adding something positive. In this instance, just stating that this character was in the wrong job or working for the wrong company changes the focus. It may not always be possible and then it's a case of watchful silence. (05/01/08)
   
3. Another interesting event. Went out with family to celebrate Mother's birthday. Before receiving the bill some family were debating over what everyone 'owed'. I wasn't really following the discussion and just went and settled the bill in full. People then wanted to give me their share. I said it was OK but evidently it wasn't, so I accepted what contribution they offered. We departed outside restaurant and I returned home with my brother and mum. They were discussing the pettiness of breaking the bill down to, "you had a wine" and "but you had a lemonade and then a coffee later". I agree, keep it simple, why sweat over differences? Anyway I kept quiet. Later, I was retelling this event. Although I told it as it happened without putting down those family members that argued over the bill, I noticed it was the fact that I saw their actions negatively that motivated me to talk of them. So, in a less than overtly obvious way I was expressing negative emotions about these family members. None of this writing conveys the delicate subtleties of the event - which is often the case when we attempt to translate Work events into words. We look like we lead exceptionally extraordinarily petty lives. Well, maybe we do. (05/01/08)
4. Had my first blow out this afternoon. It was just a matter of time. I can get snappy with people. I always feel primed to fire anyway, just being with people can do that but it's nothing to do with them. They just act as a catalyst. That's why I never struggle with resentment and holding grudges. I explode and within seconds if not immediately, it's over and I'm chill again. I know, it's not worth justifying. I release a burst of negativity and fire it directly into someone and they carry it for a while and then they release and negative emotions make the world go round ... what comes around goes around. (06/01/08)
   
5. I fell down. Just leaving the office and got caught in a conversation about the latest round of bullshit our CEO has thrown out. It seems to have got everyone riled and united against him - well they do say bosses are not there to be liked. Mind, it's the perception of his general incompetence, poor people and management skills why he's not liked. But anyway, I fell in with the drift of the conversation. I maybe was not so identified with indignation and disgust as others but anycase, I was not awake and resisting the event. I was complicit throughout. I don't recall saying anything particularly negative but I offered support and encouraged those doing the negative talk. So what's the difference? (08/01/08)
6. But just how tempting! I so want to say something - I can't say if that is the call of a mechanical habit squirming for air or merely the rebellious saboteur self-will, but there's a mounting tension. (08/01/08)
7. I have to say I haven't suffered so greatly as I expected with regard to control of negative talk, unless I'm just not observing it? And only occasional emotional outbursts. However, a different story identifying with out of control thoughts and runaway emotional states. An unusual event occurred this week which really freaked me out. Briefly, I had a phone call at work and only after a few minutes did I realise something odd in the nature of the enquiries. It was then revealed that I was talking to the HSE about allegations made against our company working methods and practises. The HSE, like Customs & Excise, have more power than the Police. I know enough to understand the implications of being under investigation. I was on the back foot, really feeling like a guilty party, and struggling to respond coherently to a barrage of direct questions. Totally lost my cool and got flustered. It was weird. I was then asked to respond in writing to these allegations. I insisted that the allegations be put in writing first which elicited a rather cool response. I was told it would be easier for me to respond to the telephone conversation. I insisted on something in writing. I hung up. My mind was racing as I began to re-piece the strange fragmented conversation. It was obvious the allegation originated from within the company and only one member of staff, as I reasoned, would want to cause problems. Obviously, we comply with current regulations but it's down to me to prove it now. These events are very challenging, never mind having to disprove the allegations. The world is like this, you may not recognize it, but when you engage in efforts that go against the world - even if you don't yet perceive them as such (yet all efforts to awaken from mechanical slumber are contra mundum) - the world assaults you. It may be your wife, your children, a stranger, your employers, the priest, the law, the government - let's face it, you never know from where the assault will come. I don't mean that I have to answer questions and face the possibility of an HSE investigation but that being in the midst of such events gives one so much cause for friction and discomfort and is a call to Work on oneself and resist naturally mechanical habits. In moments of rest, and I consider this moment as such, being a time for some self-reflection and the like, I feel the power of the Eternal. Whatever the world wants to hit me with, as messy as it wants to get - well, what is it if it isn't a bunch of events set out in time to aid the development of my being? O God of my Exodus, I am an experiment of the solar laboratory. "The root of death is in having been sent forth by God", as Geerhardus Vos so well noted; it is the wages of sin, an inevitability for us. Where are we at death? Ps.73:11 Yea, all kings shall fall down before him: all nations shall serve him. (10/01/08)
   
8. Found myself in a discussion as predicted - at work, another colleague. I resisted and resisted and then succumbed not to negative talk but a subtle kind of piss take. Irresistible in the end, yet I saw it building and kept saying "no, no don't touch it, NO!" and then I just started talking. Interesting how we can be awake in the midst of an event and struggle with it but still overall be conscious and the moment the mouth is opened sleep descends upon us like snow on a field of green grass. (11/01/08)
9. One last note. Two days after this effort was completed I went to the tip with some bags of rubble. Once there I began to dump the bags in a large skip that had a sign on the front "Hardcore & Rubble, Plasterboard". No sooner had I started emptying it than this guy is shouting, "What the hell you doing?" I exploded, I literally went nuts! "WHAT?? I'm emptying rubble into the skip!" He began telling me I should be emptying into the skip with the sign "Soil & Clean Brick". I argued with him that his signs were stupid and misleading. It went on a short while, him defending his signs. I didn't call him a fucking idiot but it came out of me in every other way. Once he started to think, he gave up and disappeared. But the key here is that my response was out of all proportion to the event and that tells us one thing: this was backlash. And, it reminds us, this is the dangerous territory we are talking about. I was ferocious and out of control, anything could have happened. One rule here is to keep up these efforts, remain vigilant against the type of negative talk identified in this aim. (13/01/08)
   

Holy Bible AV 1611

This aim has begun:

1st January 2008 - 31st December 2008

Using the King James Version of the Holy Bible, in a state of self-remembering, read:

• The Old Testament once
• The New Testament twice
  
• The Acts twice

The daily scheme is in M'Cheyne's Bible Reading Plan.

Three Small Efforts

Just for this afternoon:

1. Self-remember at 1400 throughout (another) dental appointment.
2. Self-remember during visit to relatives.
3. Self-remember writing journal (got some plans to firm up what I want out of the new year).

Notes on those efforts:
I was standing on the doorstep watching the passing traffic, the dreary weather, sensing my presence in the moment, remembering myself whilst waiting for the dentist to open after lunch. After about 5 minutes the door opened and entering the building I began a conversation with my dentist. What happened? I went out like a light. I only realised on my way home the tragedy of another lost moment. Something similar, but less definite occurred whilst visiting my mother. I had some presence but all too fragile and short lived. And then, writing my journal? Well, it would be very convenient, having understood that SR is so much easier when one is alone (or being quiet, playing a passive role, engaging activities such as reading, listening to music, and so forth) to then only place oneself in the midst of such events. It's a danger because that approach is the path of least resistance, it is medieval and monastic. It is suited to certain types but surely no one in the Work. The purpose of engaging this Work is to develop Being in the thick of daily life, and whilst certain events and attitudes will by necessity be lost along the way, just as a matter of course or through deliberation, we must still move with presence in the world. We have our roles to play, we are conscious beings walking the royal way to the heavenly city Sarras. Something is missed and wasted if all we develop is the ability to remain conscious in caves with tomes and private thoughts. We end up like - well, I don't know, but experience teaches that the Knight must walk consciously out of Camelot, the City of Men.

On another note, I cannot state how dangerous and disproportionate to the degree of self-remembering, the backlash has been. What I notice (and I am noting this for the first time), in almost all my past experience the backlash has been an emotional riot from within and as such filled me with fear of what IT might say or do and the consequences of that lack of control. But now I am experiencing the backlash as a General Law type assault where other people, and generally those very close to me, are apparently being used as weapons against me. What I can say for anyone who may be encountering anything similar is this: be grateful for the friction, it's a beautiful thing even if it's a hellish event to undergo. You have contact, so be grateful, it's all for you. Our exile is a state of forgetfulness and these events offer potent moments for self-remembering.

Seasonal Opportunity

This evening, well 1700 hrs we meet in a bar for a work's night out. Is that what you call these things? Anyway, not something I really enjoy. When I was younger I resolutely refused to participate in anything like a social gathering. My position in the business makes it somewhat obligatory, although I could worm out of it if I really tried. Since I met the work, I tend not to want to run away from this type of event. It's an opportunity to practise self-remembering, non-identifying and general self-control in the midst of intoxication and over-indulgence. I'll likely not sit it out to the end but as long as I'm there, I'll have this intention.

Note:
A weak effort overall. Felt a bit deadened but observed this as an overall emotion prevalent among the party. Exception being one woman who is an alpha male type, no matter where you are or what you are doing you hear her voice above the crowd. She's very lovely in other ways, helpful and caring, but also harsh and simple in the sense that party animals reduce everything down to sex, drugs and rock n roll. She's definitely into her sex and alcohol. Reading C's comment that I'll be targeted, well this woman would be the one, it's always her type. But it was really a flat-lined effort. I wasn't a threat to anyone. Interesting to note here, as this is something I've observed before: you think you are SR and somehow, either through other people or oneself initiating a conversation, you are lead into that type of internal considering where the group discuss absent individuals, slagging them off. I think I fell prey to that early in the evening and never properly regained myself. And as it's happening in real time it doesn't even seem like anything - that is the horror of sleep, it all seems so natural, so normal and right. And then on those occasions where you are doing big SR efforts, it can seem like a breeze and so easy, you entirely under value how rare the event is and just what effort it requires. Anyway, some you win and some you lose.

This Day

This Day:

Self-remember:

1. Five mile motorcycle journey, site meeting, 11 mile motorcycle journey.
2. Appointment with dentist.
3. Housework.

Aim is to head in to the day and meet with these certain-to-occur events in a state of self-remembering. In the first place, this is an expression of 'work will' - simply remembering to be here. Secondly, it's a rote type effort to then stay present. This is a pregnancy. You have to give birth to oneself during these predetermined events.

The two motorcycle journeys and site visit lasted about 90 minutes. I obviously slipped away somewhere along the second leg and found myself sat in front of the computer at my desk about 3 hours later. I noted that with a sense of shock and surprise - how easily I went 'out' and for such a time! Then, later I remembered myself as I lay with my mouth wide open in that vulnerable posture that dentists put you in. How long I lasted I'm not sure. Odd thing, I have remembered myself so many times in the dentist's chair that it is almost an association: dentist = opportunity to self-remember. Something about the clinical and alien atmosphere combined with the passive state.

There is no way to summarize the events of this evening. No-one uninvolved in the Work, lacking the practical experience of spiritual warfare, will understand if I say that the event I described as 'housework' (which was intended to be a general tidy up and preparing for Christmas) turned out to be an assault of epic proportions taking all the subtlety and craft of Odysseus not to be drawn down into a hellish state of negative emotions and intense identifying. How difficult was that? I can't explain. Events of this magnitude sound ludicrous, even to oneself. How can it be put into words? That is the problem here. We are operating in an internal landscape. It surpasses all the common levels of meaning. We are naturally led into the practical romantic visual language of the grail. It communicates real events, real experiences common to those who walk this way. We are in strange lands. Everything looks normal, seems normal, and I'm sure anyone with half a grade in basic psychology would be able to offer a good rational reason for things being like this or like that - and still, they'd be wrong. But that's how it is. These experiences are unusual, and actually, rare. We are moving out of this world, by degrees but it is happening. It is a life of constant vigilance, constant battle, with defeats and victories. There is no 'Enchanted Ground' - washing the dishes is no retreat, it too becomes an event in which we are forced to stand and fight or fall. Yet, what use are these words to anyone who has not yet cast off their ignorance?

Schedule Self Remembering for One Day

Aim: Self remember every 15 minutes for 7 hours

Start: 1015
Finish: 1715

Result: 9/28
One mark on a piece of paper indicated a quarterly presence. In total I could accrue 28 marks, four each hour. At the end of the 7 hours I totalled 9 marks.

Notes:
Frustrating to say the least. I needed to go Christmas shopping. Not good. When shopping I have about 90 minutes after which I 'max' out. I handle the event rather poorly, being easily angered, frustrated or whatever. It always beats me. I hate it. I'm a hit 'n' run shopper, if I'm a shopper at all. The upshot was that today was much harder in terms of self-remembering than the two days that preceeded. It felt like a treading treacle battlefield. I would grab hold of presence and minutes later realise I had lost it and again minutes later repeat that realisation. And on, the whole day through, I just never got a grip. Though, due to my dislike of this type of (shopping) event, the unrelenting inner friction served as a continual reminder of my situation. I was unable to hold onto presence for any length of time but the lull of sleep was constantly broken such that the poor quality of presence was matched by the lack of truly forgetful sleep. THE DISTURBANCE RAN BOTH WAYS. I may take that as something positive. In anycase, I'm not aiming for a particular quality in these efforts. I'm ditch digging, lifting myself up into the Eternal Present of Here Now. The high street is not a bad place to practise awakening but it's a mean scene among those crowds, so easy to forget the flow of Grace ... and the Ark drops out of sight.

Schedule Self Remembering for One Day

Aim: Self remember every 15 minutes for 7 hours

Start: 1130
Finish: 1830

Result: 16/28
One mark on a piece of paper indicated a quarterly presence. In total I could accrue 28 marks, four each hour. At the end of the 7 hours I totalled 16 marks.

Notes:
A much more difficult day, dealing with really volatile external events. Did I hang on? Maybe I could have controlled my emotional states - I know it could be better . Actually, I've been like a roman-candle, a succession of delayed explosions. Yet, the aim was to be present every 15 minutes, and I did that pretty well after a poor start. Let's remember here, the object is not a clocking in exercise. You want to be here in real time presence and hold on, to show your value for what is yours. Dropping in every 15 minutes is the wrong approach, whilst dropping out between is something that happens but the aim is always to face the events that the world throws at you and to stay awake throughout. Thinking back a few years, I would make daily efforts, week long and 40 day efforts and the backlash would come, perhaps not always but often long after the effort. It would take me unawares, like some low life loitering in an alley waiting to mug me. In the end I started to fear what might happen next, things were getting out of control to the point of dangerous. I can't explain this, and the details of events are not going to reveal anything but anyone who has ever been in this territory knows that feeling of being exposed and under assault. It is a place of terror. At that point I eased off what I was doing. It was I believe the right thing to do at that time. What has been interesting today, and yesterday to a lesser extent, is the almost immediate backlash.

One Day Work Effort:

Aim: Self remember every 15 minutes for 8 hours

Start: 1045
Finish: 1845

Result: 21/32
One mark on a piece of paper indicated a quarterly presence. In total I could accrue 32 marks, four each hour. At the end of the 8 hours I totalled 21 marks.

Notes:
This was an ad hoc on-the-fly type of effort. It was 1045 I was self-remembering and set the aim there and then. There is something in setting aims from a position of already being awake. Here I am, I need to stay here, hold on, this belongs to me. I was present for a continuous 45 minutes, which I class as a flying start. I then hit a nasty state of identifying and found myself confronting emotional difficulties. I remembered the Work adage that says you will never be given more than you can deal with. It was still a painful struggle, my limits were being pushed. I was in the 3rd state almost all day, sometimes only dropping out at the moment I should have recorded my presence. I had another 'backlash' experience mid afternoon. Again I was being pushed and that area of comfort was disappearing. Interesting the psychological moves one makes to recover lost territory. We become more false in those moments, false laugh, false smile, that sort of thing. We are complex creatures but if you ignore the detail, which is the personal bit, we are actually simplistic mechanistic processes that are more crude than subtle.