Dead Tomes

It has been a while now since I last read Homer, though he's often close in mind, and this without intentional effort. I'm always considering another reading of Homer. With Homer, as with the Holy Bible and a few other key works, distance and time between readings only further increases some natural arising within my soul that draws me inward and closer towards the essence of what these works embody. I can of course reach a point in my daily wanderings where I might admit to having lost all connection. There's no truth in that but there is an animal within that when dominant allows that kind of language to float through. The truth is these works soar down in the quietest of moments tearing from the heart the impurities and sullied accruals of daily living. I am drawn to the magisterial beauty of works that have a power to purify - it may be fleeting, and short lived in real time, it may even be imagined - we can allow that, it makes no difference. Always there is this cleansing aspect, this power-to-order that identifies them as more than books, wholly rare influences and unique. If, like Johnson you will agree books are mortal like men, these books are the Immortals. And yet, there are those who simply do not have a clue ... and there is no good reason, as I can see, for such rank idiocy. I recently came across Alessandro Baricco's translation of The Iliad. As Homerica goes I've never heard of him. I know nothing more of his achievements. What strikes me as shocking in Baricco's effort to rewrite Homer is that he has ditched the essence of Homer - the inhabitants of Olympus, the very representations of a divine society - and, doing so, created an obsequie for a society deranged with vanity and self-will. Not only is our media riddled with worms who crawl around on their bellies, jaws a-clatter declaring God to be an imaginary figure of our primitive minds, but there are hick scholars the equivalent of delinquent teenagers quite unable to value the treasures they hold. Satisfied that God has been erased from the conscience of man, even it would seem the pagan Gods, and in essence all forms of higher influence, so now it must be stripped from the literature. What hollow glories are these? Hectors religious solemnity suddenly means nothing, has no bearing or value, his whole relationship with Helen undermined. He may just as well make that wine-offering to Zeus with the blood dripping from his hands. Who cares? How are we to understand Achilles knowledge of death, his self-belief and confidence? And what value Apollo's warnings or Zeus' promises? How can we understand the sadness of Helen's great beauty without understanding her cursed fate as a victim of Aphrodite? Nor that her longing for death and deliverance are matched only by the grip of a goddess too strong for her to do anything but yield. It isn't just that a translation of this sort considerably alters the surface texture but that it bleeds the essence of the work, makes slaves of unwary readers and tells an artificial story, a lie - a real Trojan horse. Perhaps the essence of tragedy is retained but what a tragedy that there should be no Athene.

The Ugly Usher

At the end of octave the primary observation blocked out in front of me like an immovable slab of millstone grit is the presence of a Little Man who despite everything stands at the forefront of all that I experience, of all that comes in towards me. The Ugly Usher that was there before any of this Work began is there after the theatre has fallen silent. I have to be careful not to leave an impression here that the Work has come to nothing. It's a wary usher that now knows he can't hide any more. He breathes easy, but that same ease will usher in the New Season soon enough. His presence is a gift that will serve to further the Work. The grail is very paradoxical like that. We always stated: Increase real will, consciousness & understanding. It was never put more simply. It was and remains the whole focus. What comes after the silence at the end of octave? Re-statement, renewal. Personally I always understood that the Work should not edge us further to the outer reaches of society, as recluses or social spastics - I was probably both of those before I engaged the work. After the sacking of Troy, it was only natural that Menelaus would return home with his superficially beautiful wife. Where else was he to go? Helen is Helen, how could he reject her when ultimately she needed his lead? The perfect ascent is impossible.

Signs of a Struggle

A couple of days ago whilst at work I went to buy lunch from a nearby burger van. Whilst waiting to be served I got 'talking' to someone based in the same building. She was being critical of a new employee who has quickly gained the reputation of being generally incompetent requiring too much hand-holding and having poor people skills. I understood where she was coming from. I was listening as she went on at length about the guy and how useless he was. I could sense myself awakening, I recognized the event and really didn't want to participate, it was dirty and I didn't want it touching me. So I kept silent, awake to the event and my surroundings. And she continued talking. It was an interesting moment. I could sense the nature of the struggle unfolding. As she spoke I gave her my attention. I could see she had become quite uncomfortable. She was aware that something unseen had changed. She had initiated this 'conversation' quite voluntarily and with a certain confidence that was now dissolving. I felt great pity, not in a condescending manner, I genuinely felt sorry for her - I was making her uncomfortable, I could feel it acutely, her discomfort. This event in real time was a matter of seconds perhaps but it may have lasted forever, or at least like a slow motion accident. I wanted to take away her suffering and in the moment there seemed only one option. So I joined in the conversation, sharing personal anecdotal stories that confirmed much of what she had been saying. And then I slowly slid back into a sleeping state. And, I assume, because I can no longer say with any certainty, that she relaxed with me. Later, on reflection, I found this event of particular interest. How the world draws us down in to these events. The challenges on the way. The micro-events that take on a vast significance when one is conscious of the battle. It was really a moment for new thinking, an opportunity to grasp a common predicament, it was an opportunity to create something new. I felt sorry for her and made a bad decision that did neither of us any good.

The Work is Service

The Work is Service. It's the only way to consider it. I think also that there is a lot in that approach. There is a lot that is revealed through Service. I'm speculating but my sense is that these people that find themselves chewed up/spat out in cults never had that perspective. I wouldn't like to say they are motivated purely by vanity or self-will, but I do sense this lack of Service at the root of their ailing and a possible cause for them being attracted to a cult circuit in the first place. Although, one has to reserve caveats for the exceptions. I suppose the cult experience is one way in which individuals are broken down and prepared for the real Work, but again how many of those types are fit for the Work I don't know.

Considering this idea a little further it is not difficult to understand that the Service we are discussing is directly the means by which we are preserved through Christ by the Holy Spirit. We are in voluntary Service to God through faith and - what has historically been referred to as - penitence: a word I find loaded with negative association. Yet, this inner remorse (that is the meaning of penitence) for one's own wrong doings, which previously I have written about on this blog as remorse of conscience, is clearly a defining characteristic of a regenerate soul. We are all prisoners of the flesh and the world, our will in bondage and slave to a depraved heart. Unless grace saves, we are lost; it's either the Kingdom of God or the Kingdom of Satan. This penitent aspect of our regenerate nature unveils, if only retrospectively (and somewhat painfully), the idiocy (sickness) of the ways of the Old man. So the Old man is subdued and we seek restoration with Christ through 'holiness of heart' - a property of Service that secures a true lively faith and covenant obedience (another word that disturbs self-will and worldly pride).

Of the names of God, and there are many, perhaps the hardest to come-to and the most revealing is: Father, which is in Heaven. The direct simplicity of the name Father heralds the whole Christian mystery. When Christ said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt. (Mar 14:36) he showed all that would how righteous service is done. It is the revealed Will of Our Father that we should know Him, so that we may become partakers in His nature. His is a Will that loves, and by the sacrifice of itself makes others partakers of the grace of adoption, heirs of everlasting salvation.

And through this internal call to Service one cannot mistake the operation of the Holy Spirit: For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts,(2Co 4:6) and heaven opens to us here now.

The Crown Jewels (That's You!)

Without the AV 1611 the Work is but a waltz through hollow dreams with a Cheshire grin waiting to be erased. So take the Holy Bible and read it thrice, get ye oriented, Genesis through to Revelation. And, do the practises of the 1st & 2nd conscious shock. Roll up your sleeves and prepare for work.

With that grounding, you will learn to keep yourself in a Serviceable condition, which is after all, what you are here to do.

Acknowledging that Gurdjieff taught how we might make the teachings authentic in our own being through the strivings of our conscience, I'll hand it over to the Victorian Reformed preacher, Charles Spurgeon (from his Twelve Sermons on the 2nd Coming of Christ) who summed up the Work perfectly:

"You are something more than dumb, driven cattle, that must think of hay and water. You have immortal spirits. Rise to the dignity of your immortality. Begin to think of the kingdom, the kingdom so soon to come, the kingdom which your Father has given you, and which, therefore, you must certainly inherit, the kingdom which Christ has prepared for you, and for which he is making you kings and priests unto God, that you may reign with him for ever and ever. Oh, be not earth bound! Do not cast your anchor here in these troubled waters. Build not your nest on any of these trees; they are all marked for the axe, and are coming down; and your nest will come down, too, if you build it here. Set your affections on things above, up yonder, -

"Up where eternal ages roll,
Where solid pleasures never die,
And fruits eternal feast the soul;"

there project your thoughts and your anxieties, and have a care about the world to come. Be not anxious about the things that pertain to this life. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

Just what the blazes is the ‘work’?

Anti-hero Nemo has delivered a response and true to his name he continues to roam the deep dark depths avoiding contact with anything touched by the light. Perhaps, like his fictional counterpart, he too thirsts for vengeance? Who's to say what personal experiences have driven him to these shores? For sure Nemo expresses some certain partiality towards an earthly, sensual - even devilish - wisdom. His confusion is the big give away. That clamshell heart steering a willful, dogmatic adherence to this absurd role as a Debriefing Agent for misguided souls unfortunate enough to have gotten snared in the Gurdjieffian mind fuck. Personal aggrandisement? No such thing. It's straight from the heart, Nemo wants to save you from the false formulations of the big black magician, but ... (oh! damn) his writings read like a string of non-sequiturs. He asks the basic question, what is the Work, but casts that aside in case the answer gets in the way of his edifying topic. And so we are informed that behind all the noise of the Work there is nothing but an undefined abstraction. Glad you checked it out mate.

The Work begins with an act of self-observation, seeing oneself as one is, seeing what you are like as a person. No one can do this for you. Definitely not Nemo nor Gurdjieff, definitely not anyone else. You will have a picture of yourself, the kind of person you imagine you are. You may be aware of that picture but most likely not. So observe yourself, your thoughts, feelings, moods and how they motivate and influence your actions and the things you say and do. You cannot be parted from the illusion of what you are until you are able to see yourself as you are. Exposing this inner disorder is uncomfortable, sometimes difficult and emotionally unpleasant. It has to be by necessity. When you can see the contradiction between the imaginary picture you have of yourself and the picture of yourself as you are, then you begin to lay down a new memory of yourself. You are not what you imagine and as you observe more of yourself amidst the clamour and noise of personality, truth emerges. At this stage you can receive help from above. The difficulty is that until this stage is complete a person still believes they are 'awake' - what the practise of the Work verifies is that you are buried beneath accumulated layers of self-satisfaction and vanity. And that, at least in part, is what we call 'sleep'. As for self-observation, it never really ends, it only grows as the Work deepens.

Nemo's drawn his line in the sand, his position obviously something of a non-aim. He likes what he knows and he knows what he likes: the Work never was for that type so it shouldn't surprise us to find him coughing and spluttering in the cold wind that blows through time. There is no malice, for the course of true love never did run smooth, and Nemo protests a little too much.

2Th 3:5
And the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God, and into the patient waiting for Christ.

The Fourth Way

I have been reading some anti Work declamations, of various degrees, recently. All in all, the uniting theme appears to be a willful lack of understanding. What is interesting is that for the greater part what they find so repugnant in the Work appears mostly to be the cult element of group culture. To that end a lot of the criticism is targeted at the Fellowship of Friends, G Foundation and other G groups generally or else at personalities such as Burton, Ouspensky and Gurdjieff. School is spoken of almost interchangeably (see the essay: Thinking Of Leaving School) with group - so it needs to be said now: you cannot afford to conflate these. And what is it that is most detestable to one truly engaged in the Work? Exactly that: false teachers and the pursuit of the cult of personality. Interesting. Of course, these critical writings don't miss an opportunity to pull down some Work teachings too. Nor is it difficult. Gurdjieff had a penchant for ridiculous sounding terminology and few of the teachings can mean anything without having verified their meaning. What is especially interesting is that in almost every instance they dodge the key teachings around the foundational practise of the first conscious shock. Only in one instance have I read a criticism of self-remembering, which summarises O's description (ISOTM, Chapter 7) as being what modern clinicians describe as a type of disassociative fugue/amnesia. Clearly, most certainly, the author of that critique really hasn't understood what he read because he hasn't bothered to verify the teaching for himself but has elected to rely on the authority of (his own self choosen) modern spooks to substantiate his dismissive. Although, in anycase, the Work is hardly meant as a teaching of universal appeal. Only a small number of people are ever going to be drawn towards the Work. For some it will be meaningful and lead to something more than desultory efforts, for others looking for somewhere to camp it will be a doorway to a group and for others it will be little more than a passing interest. When Charles Manson called his gang of miscreants The Family he revealed to the whole world what it is that lost souls seek.

Of those that do engage, to whatever extent, in the teaching of the 4th Way only a few will internalise those teachings, not as a healing panacea but rather, as a tool to facilitate escape from the bindings of the mechanical. The Work is difficult, often painful, generally uncomfortable and really from a worldly perspective quite unrewarding. Yet, as with other things it can always be abused to gain more 'power and sluts' - which is my general expression for all crass, gross or infinitely subtle allurements that we encounter. Naturally such pitfalls have always existed, being quite necessary tests. Sincere, conscience-oriented Work is a direct line to the source of one's being. And this gets at another point that these critiques appear to miss: the Work does not exist within a vacuum but is especially connected to the New Testament and runs deeply into Christian theology. Yes, it shares ideas with other religious and spiritual disciplines too - as it would, they being part of General Revelation too - which I note some of the critiques attempt to use as evidence that G created some mish-mash stew to befuddle his followers. The point here is that the Work has a long history and is not merely the gobbledegook of a 20th century self-styled guru. Though I can certainly agree that G did his utmost to mask himself with all manner of obscene antics. But why are we talking about him?

The truth is that anyone in contact with the living tradition of the Work doesn't need to join or participate in a G group, doesn't need to go to Church or have anything to do with any other false types - and yet, may find such things of interest or necessary to experience. That hardly matters. Life is not without danger and spiritual warfare is a life of danger. So be it. We are here to experience the desolation of separation - we have it within us, yet also the ability to penetrate and know once again our essential self. Or, like drunken fools we may continue to play absurd roles and never know the truth of our condition. Yes, anyone can witness slum conditions but the reality of our condition is that we are designed as self developing organisms. We are nowhere near our rightful place as heirs of Royalty, nor shall anyone ever be so long as they cling to conditions of their fallen state. Level of being is entirely connected to these ideas. Spiritual truths are revealed by the Spirit, spiritual guidance is given by the Spirit. That's why blind fools write about things beyond their understanding.

1Co 2:13 - 14
Which things also we speak, not in the words which man's wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth; comparing spiritual things with spiritual.
But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.

The Con
Another Black Magician

Plutarchian Puzzles (there are several)

After a week with Plutarch I'm right back where I was whenever it was I was last reading him. His writing is dense and demands some concentration not to miss a detail from which the next several pages will unfold and still, at the end of reading a dozen pages or less, if asked, I probably couldn't recall what I'd just read. Not very clearly anyway. Is that because of the translation? Is it me? What? Such strange and perfectly normal writing. Puzzle.

God protects ...

Parzival's problem, and it is ours too, is his difficulty recognizing the progeny of the Watchers and understanding that despite all outward appearances, they are utterly inimical to the Light that draws us from the dark realms of non-being. Maybe as Books of Enoch & Jubilee say, not all that fell were condemned but certainly great enmity came upon those that followed the Angel Sataniel who befouled the earth. As simplistic and child like as it may seem to talk of light & dark, good & bad and so forth, these qualities remain factual experiences. An innocent like Parzival cannot see the dark intentions of the rulers of the darkness of this world but that does not in any way halt their actions. The fact that the innocent and the ignorant are incapable of perceiving inimical forces only draws out the confrontation ... Let's thank God for His protection.

II Cor. 9:8
And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work:

L'homme armé

I feel remorse for the things I have done, and a sorrow for what I am. A pain of conscience, despite aspirations - in fact, probably because of aspirations. Gurdjieff, I know, encouraged remorse of conscience as the opposite of self-calming and indulgent self-reproach. He believed remorse of conscience healed the past. It is a realisation of one's abnormality, an acknowledgement of sin and the wrong things one has done. That's why I have a penchant for the minor keys and desolate landscapes, they allow me space to feel what I really feel. The Work comes down to what we feel. It exists to make us feel. The first conscious shock, the impressions octave, is ultimately a simple and uncomplicated method for increasing the level of vibrations in one's being by transforming the impressions received. It takes us directly to the second conscious shock, the point of transforming emotions. The work is forcing us to wake up and feel in a real way.

This aim took an intense and violent form, it assaulted me in unexpected ways, such that ... Well, I did reach something similar some years ago. At that time, being relatively inexperienced, I became fearful, weakened and overcome by the experience, so I backed off. I didn't know how to deal with the backlash that comes from Work efforts. It scared me, the fire was too hot. This Lent aim took me right through that fire, embracing the experience. I had to say: I want this, I want it more, I want it in all its intensity. Fear is a spectre, it cannot hurt. I have protection. Sure, there is a force here, let it kick me to the ground and maul me. Let it! I am free. I learned to walk with the attitude of so-what-and-be-damned. It was all I could do. That is the price of going against yourself, it is how you pay it all back. Faced with real suffering my mechanical requirement for a life of comfort, a life of emotional ease (Re 24) was just glaring. We can approach the first conscious shock with a certain nonchalance, almost saying to ourselves "Is this it? It's easy!" Well it is, for as long as we can sustain the effort. But such efforts lead us into mythical places, Chapel Perilous, to combat dark Knights - and we don't want to lurk in those hostile territories too long. Such is the province that is the second conscious shock. The lower vibration of the sleeping man feels the touch of something more rare, is excited by a higher energy, an aspiration. The lower resonates and longs to partake and be with that which is higher. It is drawn magnetically towards the Light of Liberty. It is as irresistible as sunlight to a germinating seedling. The lower needs the help of that which is higher in order to cross these mythical Kingdoms and stand up to the challenges and tests thrown down. C said in the comments to that Lent effort: pray. And that is what we must do to secure our Work at the point of the second conscious shock. We do that, or we are dashed against the Stone. That is our call for help. The title of this post is tied to the fact that we must be in prayer if we are to do this Work. Redemption is applied to the hearts and lives of sinners (those beings filled with remorse of conscience): each must learn how, and what it means personally.

For Lent

Wednesday 6th February - Saturday 22nd March

Forty-day aim to control specific areas of talk:

1. Avoid unconscious use of slang language and swearing.
2. Avoid aimless talk. Recognize gossip as a descending octave.
3. Avoid complaint or 'moaning'.

As a general guide: Stop talking before they stop listening.

And pray.

During Lent Sundays are not counted as they are always taken as days of remembrance. As this aim follows Lent, Sundays are counted as days of effort.

I haven't said it, and in the fire it may be missed. This aim assumes the daily practise of self-remembering:

• whilst reading scripture
• during the efforts to make this aim real
• during seven routine daily tasks & events

This aim coincides with another aim which I prefer not to divulge but which I mention knowing the backlash will impinge upon this effort.

Luk 21:19 In your patience possess ye your souls.

Notes

1. Think of The Odyssey, Bk 17
   Argus the Hound, there at the end of his days. Odysseus returns after 20 years, the man that bred the hound - it's extraordinary to see a beauty like this lying in the dung. Eumaeus the swineherd: This dog did have a master but it's all too obvious he died abroad.
   
   I am in the fire. By 0800am I was in a major conflict with several people, outnumbered and losing control. It came from nowhere, unexpected side swipe. The heat is on. I spent the day attempting to resist some major force pushing me to identify. Probably I am lost in a state of identifying with only some occasional breath of air. I'm sinking. And I know it. How did I cope controlling my mouth? Pretty poor. Maybe some control but mostly none. I watched myself cussing and bitching. I was out in the battlefield exhausted, drained, wanting to run home feeling that I'm not cut out for this. (I'm at home now feeling just the same.) Overwhelmed, bruised, out smarted.
   
   I have this picture of an innocent walking into an ambush without any awareness of what is lying in wait. Having been assaulted he spends the rest of his time reeling from the shock, and feeling woefully inadequate to the quest as it unfolds. He leaves the battlefield like a whimpering Labrador mauled by a Pitbull, head hung low, hunched shoulders, tail between legs, licking his bleeding wounds in disbelief and with a degree of fear. Is this an exaggeration? It's an emotional state. It's what you get when you are measured and cut to size without even knowing what hit you. Innocent? May be not, but in the context of the assault, woefully inadequate and unprepared. And now, where next but to rest and return tomorrow and to care less for what the world will do. An aim was set, a trajectory defined by an effort. Nothing else exists. The forest is in darkness and there is a hush. Take your victuals, dust off your jacket, rest and prepare. A journey has begun and only through Our Lord, will this crossing be taken. Amen. [060208] And admit it, you can't do it alone.
   
   
2. The calm after the storm. It had to be so. I was too battered for anything else to be possible. Yet on reflection, you can't knock these opportunities to experience serious friction generating events. Win or lose, you have to know that such things have to occur. [070208]
   
   
3. It seems I swear a lot. I knew it. I know why too but that's nothing. I don't control it. It's the biggest area of weakness out of the three listed at the top of this post. It has to be clear - observing myself swearing is not enough. There has to be control. I have to be present to prevent it occurring. It's dumb, almost literally. I saw today how I lose energy as I swear. [090208]
   
   
4. Three strikes against me. Yet, other events were controlled. For the record, the two events which are most likely to catch me out are: a) recounting past events, or someone else's story, or b) as an exclamation - something goes wrong and I blurt out "Shit!", "Fuck!", etcetera. [100208]
   
   
5. Another day another war. What do I do? It seems worse, or no better. Nothing has changed. I'm still banging heads with people at 0730 am, (and that, by any standards, isn't worth it). It is interesting to observe though. Interesting how it steals energy, not obviously but it leaves one weakened and feeling less sure, more wobbly. You just can't afford to be wobbly. Forty-nights out in the wilderness with the Devil tempting you is a long time if you start wobbling within the first seven days. It's a long haul. I swore today in a way that I just didn't yesterday. If nothing else at least swearing is a good pointer to the state I'm in - it's a sure sign of sleep. It's easy to be innocent in the midst of these events. Did I say innocent? I meant foolish and duped by one's rational blood & soil thinking. (Not that I want to encourage anything specious but we can understand that there is an order of creation that is supra-rational, burying our heads in the sand of reason is no salvation). To read times of intense strife and friction as if routine daily events of no particular order or value is neither clever or savvy. OK, so it was draining, and the day went pear shaped, but so what? How many other people have daily lives that mess up as soon as they step out into the world? You are just a statistic, one of any number. And, this may be so. You can believe it. Or not. I had to consider, given the nature of my Work, this assault comes from that same generation of vipers, that same godless progeny that were building the civilization of Cain in the blood of his brother. These out of control, out of nowhere, assaults upon our Work - upon my Work - have the tell tale signs of the Rulers of the Darkness of This World that lurk with the intent of smothering all signs of Light. This may all read as highly paranoid but in the heat of the battle, this feels more like a truth than entertainment for the stressed. I recollect a line, a decree given for the Wayfaring Man: The Unclean Shall Not Pass. So with prayer and the help of the Most High God and this decree, I build my defences. For the record, no sooner had I declared that decree than I was racked with physical sensations that appeared to affirm something real in this working. When we step out into the field of battle, when we declare our aims with actions and efforts, be sure the Devil and his children will have your name. (Your fellow sufferers may not know what you are doing but these dark angels most certainly do.) [110208]
   
   Isa 35:8 And a highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness; the unclean shall not pass over it; but it shall be for those: the wayfaring men, though fools, shall not err therein.
   
   
6. There's no telling what places you are going to find yourself roaming when you get involved in efforts to awaken. Stranger still, almost paradoxical, you become alert and awake to certain events and conditions which would lull you into mechanical states, you are vigilant like the night watch at dawn, yet your vulnerabilities in other areas are all the more exposed. Not surprisingly given recent events, I have been waiting for the next onslaught expecting it from the external world, I've braced myself for the inevitable vicious assault. Yet, today I realised much of the past 24 hours I have been smothered with the blanket of internal considering. I have been spent high on the scale of identifying with every passing emotion, trip wires around various individuals, all living and familiar to me in present time. All of this goes on, the Green Knight wants to destroy us, he is the agent of destruction, an enemy on the way. Yet what has he and all the devil's agents? We have in our possession everything we need, even the mystery itself belongs to us. We are great accumulators, it is a divine gift. What has changed? Five years ago I would be here or I would be identifying, now I am here or I am identifying and that part of me that would be here appears to watch that part of me that is identifying. [160208]
   
   
7. I absolutely and completely lost control and flew into a near rage this evening - as close as I can get to fury. Full on melt down, burn up, blow out, incendiary device thing. Total and complete identification with a state of frustration-anger-annoyance-madness rolled into one. Open warfare in the trenches, dirty dog fighting. Black fiends falling. [210208]
   
   
8. Something utterly mystical as if regenerating the whole time body took place this day. The details too acute and personal to put down here. It began early in the morning, a cascade of events that took me from Ludgate Hill, around St Paul's cathedral into Watling Street (a discovery in itself) arriving at St Mary Le Bow for Holy Communion. I was never particularly drawn to Wren's churches personally yet repeatedly my spiritual destiny is woven a little more tightly to his elegant symmetry. I had attempted earlier in the month to arrange a tour of the Whitechapel foundry, where so many of the greatest bells originate, but they were booked months in advance. I was disappointed. What have any of these things to do with this aim? Everything. We must learn to inhabit deeper parts of centres. I'll leave it like that. [220208]
   
   
9. Lot of lessons revealing that I cannot control my mouth. I cannot shut up when I need to. I push things, events, with the things I say. I draw events towards conflict by my inability to shut up. And the words I choose being almost intentionally insulting/challenging/ threatening in ways and turns. Sometimes manipulating sometimes provoking. I let the small man have dominance. Although not wholly. I know for certain that I might choose a particular word to get someone's heckles up because I cannot tolerate their vanity and self-love and it needs kicking. Wrong or right, I can provoke from Work I's. Not certain that should be permissible? Still, I could defend it by saying that the result is a lot of friction which is good for me, but really? I'll leave this note floating because I'm somewhat ambivalent about this matter. I think the first point, at least within the context of the current aim, is that whatever is being vocalized is to be controlled. Beyond that I might look at what is vocalizing, who is doing the talking. [260208]
   
   
10. Another 19 days to go ... and I'm feeling like I've reached a temporary plateau. I daren't say the external assaults have diminished but it is as if those fires I ran through in the early phases of this effort are somewhat below. They were grossly stupid and crass, not especially subtle. Blind and brutish darkness flailing desperately. Well, maybe that type of event is enough to effectively stop some wayfarers? The lesson is simple, welcome all that hits you, receive it as a gift. Friction creates energy. See all negativity as a gift. Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, (EPH 5:20). In anycase, the challenges become increasingly subtle. My struggles are now much more with rapidly emerging states of identifying (with ultimately small trivial interpersonal events) which rise like rogue waves from deep within. Calm waters that suddenly threaten to pound this little ship in two, wine dark depths that would swallow 'me' whole, it only takes the smallest leak. What's to be done? Move fast, remember, consciousness is an under utilized energy - it doesn't belong to us (any of us), it isn't located in some part of the brain - it's 'out there' and free for the effort of taking. You must take it, own it, or fly low with broken wings. Get on your wedding shoes. Harps and bells moving like a wind, here am I far from dry land ... [030308]
    
    
11. Just a short note. Got home from work last night, changing out of my work clothes I placed pocket notepad & pen (which I use to record self-remembering efforts) on the shelf. Having changed went downstairs and got on with life and the evening passed. Went to bed late, slept soundly and awoke, opened my eyes. Instantly like a slap, a shock wave hit me - I was 'out', not present through all yesterday evening. I had forgotten myself for a very long time. That's the thing, it is very easy to forget oneself and when it happens and you experience that initial shock of awakening you realise how little you appreciate or understand what it means to self-remember. Interesting. Remember that shock.
    
    
12. I noticed yesterday, and less so today but then again odd times throughout the week gone, I'm swearing again. Also, never really strapped down the use of slang and catch-phrases and all that lazy stuff that we do with language. In fact, on consideration I reckon the best method for tackling that sort of thing would include an effort to expand one's vocabulary. In truth, a forty-day aim is always a difficult enterprise and this is no exception. I have probably lost a lot of the original impetus and focus. It has become more an effort to self-remember. On the other hand, the unstated aim which coincided with this effort has been most successful. One benefit of a long aim is that one gains a perspective over the journey taken. All those early struggles and dog fights would have no meaning now but they are part of a story and most certainly are meaningful because of that. Events are bracketed. There is a point in the work where life can be anything. I hardly think it matters any more what circumstances or events befall one. I even see how often I intentionally orchestrate events to create situations for myself that are bound by laws that are sure to grate and cause friction - there is something beautiful in willing bondage and knowing that one is liberated and free already and all these worldly things are merely exercises in non-identification. Literally, tests. I could learn my prayer a little better. I could give up yet more of the territory that I spent my entire life protecting. So much has been wasted. Conscious love has no requirements. Now, there is an all embracing rule if one is able to meet it. The future is above us. [150308]
    

Centre of Gravity

The centre of gravity for work on myself over this unfolding year, 2008, is to control the habit of talk. A dedicated effort to control the chief function of unnecessary talk.

Pro 6:2 Thou art snared with the words of thy mouth, thou art taken with the words of thy mouth.

Why mouth control?

It's a primary source of leakage and a social contagion for the manifesting of the mechanical in every living moment. When I observe myself, all my vanity and self-love has for it's root my tongue. There is a direct correlation between talk and identifying, talk and internal-considering, talk and false personality, talk and sleep ... and, so on. Talk is the framework from which the acquired personality drips it's ignorance upon the world. All the worst things come out mechanically through my mouth. Just as the scriptures say, the mouth defiles & condemns.

Mat 15:11 Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.

Whilst writing I remembered several years ago I had the aim: To live in the presence of the Work. That is a great aim, good for a life time. Lack of mouth control prevents it. And though my tongue be untamed and my being small and dirty I shall seek that which is in heaven and pursue holiness. My mind is set on heavenly things. This is what God wants.

Goldberg Variations

In a state of self-remembering listen to the following recording seven times. No start or end dates, but seven complete attentive sessions. Date and times to be noted below.

JS Bach:
Goldberg Variations (BWV 988)
József Eötvös (Guitar)

This recording is beautiful, elegant and controlled and just short of 63 minutes. I forget that this is a solo guitar, the music transcends the instrument through a fluid of unity that is rare. That may be Bach's design but Eötvös has captured and produced something superior amongst such recordings. Unfortunately it is only available from the artist, (and even then his website is broken and you will have to email him):

Jözsef Eötvös

Anyhow, this 10 minute You Tube video is an excellent taster, (if the audio is sub par):

Aria & Variations 1 - 6

The Listenings:

1. 13/01/08 @ 2350
   
2. 14/01/08 @ 1633
3. 16/01/08 @ 2303
4. 17/01/08 @ 1738
5. 20/01/08 @ 0202
6. 22/01/08 @ 1048
7. 27/01/08 @ 11 20

Notes
This work is over 60 minutes duration. That presented difficulties - just finding the time for starters. I had several false starts where I was interrupted by others - especially with the 7th listening. Another issue was that I'd be so tired after work that just sitting down and making an effort to soak up some B Influence would put me to sleep, proper 1st state sleep. So again, timing each listening is important. On the other hand, just because I say I'm going to listen to a CD recording of Bach's Variations shouldn't mean it's plain sailing easy efforts. It shouldn't surprise that this effort took effort to complete. My admiration for József Eötvös still stands, even those extraordinary delicate thin 'weak' lines in the upper register of the instrument manage to hold and contain, nothing is lost. Eötvös' playing has to be described as impeccable.

Negative Talk

Negative emotions make the world go round ...

Duration: Seven days

5th - 11th January

For seven days I will control my mouth. I will not utter anything negative about any person. There shall be no verbal leakage of negative energy either in the words used, the tone or the expression I adopt.

2Pe 1:6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;

Notes:

1. Having formulated this aim, I switched on the TV and caught some popumentary called The Most Annoying People of the Year. Basically half-cast celebs are interviewed on their opinions of other celebs which is then cut with archive footage of the celeb that is getting ripped. Just cheap production values in keeping with celebrity gossip mags and the like. I wasn't even watching the programme as such, just glancing up as different images grabbed my attention. Then I slowly began to realise - and I can hardly believe it now that I am writing it - but it was like I was sub-vocalising what I was hearing. All that negative outpouring was actually entering my being, physically in fact. I don't really believe it happened now that I'm writing it. It's just too strange. I was mimicking their words? So it seemed! (04/01/08)
   
2. Observing thoughts. There's a character at work I put on written warning before Christmas. I would have sacked him long ago, he knows it too. I don't have a problem with his work. But his attitude sucks, his time keeping gets worse and generally he takes the piss. I let him do it on the basis that if I give him enough rope and keep it all documented he'll have no case in a tribunal - I'll not get roasted by the vagaries of employment law in the hands of a solicitor. So I let him hang himself. It's difficult to manage. Other staff think he's getting away with things but that isn't what is actually happening. I'm managing perceptions and the rest. Still, I'm not expecting to see him next week. I'm sure he's got another job. Anyway, my thoughts are drifting around this particular event. I don't bear grudges, I have no problem with him. I'd stop and talk in the street. He's just in the wrong job. Simple. He has anger management issues, as they say. He's got an ugly chip on his shoulder. He's resentful of others. That's grist for the mill if he ever wants to take it up. But I'm watching my thoughts and realising next week I'll be in conversations where people will be slating him. The temptation will be there for me to follow or even lead. And then, thinking about other characters at work, there will be lots of opportunities for me to trip over myself. There is in that environment a lot of negative talk about others. I have it in mind that this whole area of mouth control/talk/thought-chains is ripe for Work over this year - a big area. So ... I'm not saying anything negative about anyone as yet but I'm already noticing negative thoughts - and that is regardless of the fact that I don't really feel negative to this character. It's purely mechanical: he took the piss, I had to handle it carefully to avoid bullshit dismissal claims, other people get pissed off that the situation is unresolved and there is generally a negative vibe in the air and mechanically we all get drawn into putting this guy down whenever he's not around. In practise it may be helpful to counter the external negative expressions of others by adding something positive. In this instance, just stating that this character was in the wrong job or working for the wrong company changes the focus. It may not always be possible and then it's a case of watchful silence. (05/01/08)
   
3. Another interesting event. Went out with family to celebrate Mother's birthday. Before receiving the bill some family were debating over what everyone 'owed'. I wasn't really following the discussion and just went and settled the bill in full. People then wanted to give me their share. I said it was OK but evidently it wasn't, so I accepted what contribution they offered. We departed outside restaurant and I returned home with my brother and mum. They were discussing the pettiness of breaking the bill down to, "you had a wine" and "but you had a lemonade and then a coffee later". I agree, keep it simple, why sweat over differences? Anyway I kept quiet. Later, I was retelling this event. Although I told it as it happened without putting down those family members that argued over the bill, I noticed it was the fact that I saw their actions negatively that motivated me to talk of them. So, in a less than overtly obvious way I was expressing negative emotions about these family members. None of this writing conveys the delicate subtleties of the event - which is often the case when we attempt to translate Work events into words. We look like we lead exceptionally extraordinarily petty lives. Well, maybe we do. (05/01/08)
4. Had my first blow out this afternoon. It was just a matter of time. I can get snappy with people. I always feel primed to fire anyway, just being with people can do that but it's nothing to do with them. They just act as a catalyst. That's why I never struggle with resentment and holding grudges. I explode and within seconds if not immediately, it's over and I'm chill again. I know, it's not worth justifying. I release a burst of negativity and fire it directly into someone and they carry it for a while and then they release and negative emotions make the world go round ... what comes around goes around. (06/01/08)
   
5. I fell down. Just leaving the office and got caught in a conversation about the latest round of bullshit our CEO has thrown out. It seems to have got everyone riled and united against him - well they do say bosses are not there to be liked. Mind, it's the perception of his general incompetence, poor people and management skills why he's not liked. But anyway, I fell in with the drift of the conversation. I maybe was not so identified with indignation and disgust as others but anycase, I was not awake and resisting the event. I was complicit throughout. I don't recall saying anything particularly negative but I offered support and encouraged those doing the negative talk. So what's the difference? (08/01/08)
6. But just how tempting! I so want to say something - I can't say if that is the call of a mechanical habit squirming for air or merely the rebellious saboteur self-will, but there's a mounting tension. (08/01/08)
7. I have to say I haven't suffered so greatly as I expected with regard to control of negative talk, unless I'm just not observing it? And only occasional emotional outbursts. However, a different story identifying with out of control thoughts and runaway emotional states. An unusual event occurred this week which really freaked me out. Briefly, I had a phone call at work and only after a few minutes did I realise something odd in the nature of the enquiries. It was then revealed that I was talking to the HSE about allegations made against our company working methods and practises. The HSE, like Customs & Excise, have more power than the Police. I know enough to understand the implications of being under investigation. I was on the back foot, really feeling like a guilty party, and struggling to respond coherently to a barrage of direct questions. Totally lost my cool and got flustered. It was weird. I was then asked to respond in writing to these allegations. I insisted that the allegations be put in writing first which elicited a rather cool response. I was told it would be easier for me to respond to the telephone conversation. I insisted on something in writing. I hung up. My mind was racing as I began to re-piece the strange fragmented conversation. It was obvious the allegation originated from within the company and only one member of staff, as I reasoned, would want to cause problems. Obviously, we comply with current regulations but it's down to me to prove it now. These events are very challenging, never mind having to disprove the allegations. The world is like this, you may not recognize it, but when you engage in efforts that go against the world - even if you don't yet perceive them as such (yet all efforts to awaken from mechanical slumber are contra mundum) - the world assaults you. It may be your wife, your children, a stranger, your employers, the priest, the law, the government - let's face it, you never know from where the assault will come. I don't mean that I have to answer questions and face the possibility of an HSE investigation but that being in the midst of such events gives one so much cause for friction and discomfort and is a call to Work on oneself and resist naturally mechanical habits. In moments of rest, and I consider this moment as such, being a time for some self-reflection and the like, I feel the power of the Eternal. Whatever the world wants to hit me with, as messy as it wants to get - well, what is it if it isn't a bunch of events set out in time to aid the development of my being? O God of my Exodus, I am an experiment of the solar laboratory. "The root of death is in having been sent forth by God", as Geerhardus Vos so well noted; it is the wages of sin, an inevitability for us. Where are we at death? Ps.73:11 Yea, all kings shall fall down before him: all nations shall serve him. (10/01/08)
   
8. Found myself in a discussion as predicted - at work, another colleague. I resisted and resisted and then succumbed not to negative talk but a subtle kind of piss take. Irresistible in the end, yet I saw it building and kept saying "no, no don't touch it, NO!" and then I just started talking. Interesting how we can be awake in the midst of an event and struggle with it but still overall be conscious and the moment the mouth is opened sleep descends upon us like snow on a field of green grass. (11/01/08)
9. One last note. Two days after this effort was completed I went to the tip with some bags of rubble. Once there I began to dump the bags in a large skip that had a sign on the front "Hardcore & Rubble, Plasterboard". No sooner had I started emptying it than this guy is shouting, "What the hell you doing?" I exploded, I literally went nuts! "WHAT?? I'm emptying rubble into the skip!" He began telling me I should be emptying into the skip with the sign "Soil & Clean Brick". I argued with him that his signs were stupid and misleading. It went on a short while, him defending his signs. I didn't call him a fucking idiot but it came out of me in every other way. Once he started to think, he gave up and disappeared. But the key here is that my response was out of all proportion to the event and that tells us one thing: this was backlash. And, it reminds us, this is the dangerous territory we are talking about. I was ferocious and out of control, anything could have happened. One rule here is to keep up these efforts, remain vigilant against the type of negative talk identified in this aim. (13/01/08)
   

Holy Bible AV 1611

This aim has begun:

1st January 2008 - 31st December 2008

Using the King James Version of the Holy Bible, in a state of self-remembering, read:

• The Old Testament once
• The New Testament twice
  
• The Acts twice

The daily scheme is in M'Cheyne's Bible Reading Plan.

Three Small Efforts

Just for this afternoon:

1. Self-remember at 1400 throughout (another) dental appointment.
2. Self-remember during visit to relatives.
3. Self-remember writing journal (got some plans to firm up what I want out of the new year).

Notes on those efforts:
I was standing on the doorstep watching the passing traffic, the dreary weather, sensing my presence in the moment, remembering myself whilst waiting for the dentist to open after lunch. After about 5 minutes the door opened and entering the building I began a conversation with my dentist. What happened? I went out like a light. I only realised on my way home the tragedy of another lost moment. Something similar, but less definite occurred whilst visiting my mother. I had some presence but all too fragile and short lived. And then, writing my journal? Well, it would be very convenient, having understood that SR is so much easier when one is alone (or being quiet, playing a passive role, engaging activities such as reading, listening to music, and so forth) to then only place oneself in the midst of such events. It's a danger because that approach is the path of least resistance, it is medieval and monastic. It is suited to certain types but surely no one in the Work. The purpose of engaging this Work is to develop Being in the thick of daily life, and whilst certain events and attitudes will by necessity be lost along the way, just as a matter of course or through deliberation, we must still move with presence in the world. We have our roles to play, we are conscious beings walking the royal way to the heavenly city Sarras. Something is missed and wasted if all we develop is the ability to remain conscious in caves with tomes and private thoughts. We end up like - well, I don't know, but experience teaches that the Knight must walk consciously out of Camelot, the City of Men.

On another note, I cannot state how dangerous and disproportionate to the degree of self-remembering, the backlash has been. What I notice (and I am noting this for the first time), in almost all my past experience the backlash has been an emotional riot from within and as such filled me with fear of what IT might say or do and the consequences of that lack of control. But now I am experiencing the backlash as a General Law type assault where other people, and generally those very close to me, are apparently being used as weapons against me. What I can say for anyone who may be encountering anything similar is this: be grateful for the friction, it's a beautiful thing even if it's a hellish event to undergo. You have contact, so be grateful, it's all for you. Our exile is a state of forgetfulness and these events offer potent moments for self-remembering.

Seasonal Opportunity

This evening, well 1700 hrs we meet in a bar for a work's night out. Is that what you call these things? Anyway, not something I really enjoy. When I was younger I resolutely refused to participate in anything like a social gathering. My position in the business makes it somewhat obligatory, although I could worm out of it if I really tried. Since I met the work, I tend not to want to run away from this type of event. It's an opportunity to practise self-remembering, non-identifying and general self-control in the midst of intoxication and over-indulgence. I'll likely not sit it out to the end but as long as I'm there, I'll have this intention.

Note:
A weak effort overall. Felt a bit deadened but observed this as an overall emotion prevalent among the party. Exception being one woman who is an alpha male type, no matter where you are or what you are doing you hear her voice above the crowd. She's very lovely in other ways, helpful and caring, but also harsh and simple in the sense that party animals reduce everything down to sex, drugs and rock n roll. She's definitely into her sex and alcohol. Reading C's comment that I'll be targeted, well this woman would be the one, it's always her type. But it was really a flat-lined effort. I wasn't a threat to anyone. Interesting to note here, as this is something I've observed before: you think you are SR and somehow, either through other people or oneself initiating a conversation, you are lead into that type of internal considering where the group discuss absent individuals, slagging them off. I think I fell prey to that early in the evening and never properly regained myself. And as it's happening in real time it doesn't even seem like anything - that is the horror of sleep, it all seems so natural, so normal and right. And then on those occasions where you are doing big SR efforts, it can seem like a breeze and so easy, you entirely under value how rare the event is and just what effort it requires. Anyway, some you win and some you lose.

This Day

This Day:

Self-remember:

1. Five mile motorcycle journey, site meeting, 11 mile motorcycle journey.
2. Appointment with dentist.
3. Housework.

Aim is to head in to the day and meet with these certain-to-occur events in a state of self-remembering. In the first place, this is an expression of 'work will' - simply remembering to be here. Secondly, it's a rote type effort to then stay present. This is a pregnancy. You have to give birth to oneself during these predetermined events.

The two motorcycle journeys and site visit lasted about 90 minutes. I obviously slipped away somewhere along the second leg and found myself sat in front of the computer at my desk about 3 hours later. I noted that with a sense of shock and surprise - how easily I went 'out' and for such a time! Then, later I remembered myself as I lay with my mouth wide open in that vulnerable posture that dentists put you in. How long I lasted I'm not sure. Odd thing, I have remembered myself so many times in the dentist's chair that it is almost an association: dentist = opportunity to self-remember. Something about the clinical and alien atmosphere combined with the passive state.

There is no way to summarize the events of this evening. No-one uninvolved in the Work, lacking the practical experience of spiritual warfare, will understand if I say that the event I described as 'housework' (which was intended to be a general tidy up and preparing for Christmas) turned out to be an assault of epic proportions taking all the subtlety and craft of Odysseus not to be drawn down into a hellish state of negative emotions and intense identifying. How difficult was that? I can't explain. Events of this magnitude sound ludicrous, even to oneself. How can it be put into words? That is the problem here. We are operating in an internal landscape. It surpasses all the common levels of meaning. We are naturally led into the practical romantic visual language of the grail. It communicates real events, real experiences common to those who walk this way. We are in strange lands. Everything looks normal, seems normal, and I'm sure anyone with half a grade in basic psychology would be able to offer a good rational reason for things being like this or like that - and still, they'd be wrong. But that's how it is. These experiences are unusual, and actually, rare. We are moving out of this world, by degrees but it is happening. It is a life of constant vigilance, constant battle, with defeats and victories. There is no 'Enchanted Ground' - washing the dishes is no retreat, it too becomes an event in which we are forced to stand and fight or fall. Yet, what use are these words to anyone who has not yet cast off their ignorance?

Schedule Self Remembering for One Day

Aim: Self remember every 15 minutes for 7 hours

Start: 1015
Finish: 1715

Result: 9/28
One mark on a piece of paper indicated a quarterly presence. In total I could accrue 28 marks, four each hour. At the end of the 7 hours I totalled 9 marks.

Notes:
Frustrating to say the least. I needed to go Christmas shopping. Not good. When shopping I have about 90 minutes after which I 'max' out. I handle the event rather poorly, being easily angered, frustrated or whatever. It always beats me. I hate it. I'm a hit 'n' run shopper, if I'm a shopper at all. The upshot was that today was much harder in terms of self-remembering than the two days that preceeded. It felt like a treading treacle battlefield. I would grab hold of presence and minutes later realise I had lost it and again minutes later repeat that realisation. And on, the whole day through, I just never got a grip. Though, due to my dislike of this type of (shopping) event, the unrelenting inner friction served as a continual reminder of my situation. I was unable to hold onto presence for any length of time but the lull of sleep was constantly broken such that the poor quality of presence was matched by the lack of truly forgetful sleep. THE DISTURBANCE RAN BOTH WAYS. I may take that as something positive. In anycase, I'm not aiming for a particular quality in these efforts. I'm ditch digging, lifting myself up into the Eternal Present of Here Now. The high street is not a bad place to practise awakening but it's a mean scene among those crowds, so easy to forget the flow of Grace ... and the Ark drops out of sight.

Schedule Self Remembering for One Day

Aim: Self remember every 15 minutes for 7 hours

Start: 1130
Finish: 1830

Result: 16/28
One mark on a piece of paper indicated a quarterly presence. In total I could accrue 28 marks, four each hour. At the end of the 7 hours I totalled 16 marks.

Notes:
A much more difficult day, dealing with really volatile external events. Did I hang on? Maybe I could have controlled my emotional states - I know it could be better . Actually, I've been like a roman-candle, a succession of delayed explosions. Yet, the aim was to be present every 15 minutes, and I did that pretty well after a poor start. Let's remember here, the object is not a clocking in exercise. You want to be here in real time presence and hold on, to show your value for what is yours. Dropping in every 15 minutes is the wrong approach, whilst dropping out between is something that happens but the aim is always to face the events that the world throws at you and to stay awake throughout. Thinking back a few years, I would make daily efforts, week long and 40 day efforts and the backlash would come, perhaps not always but often long after the effort. It would take me unawares, like some low life loitering in an alley waiting to mug me. In the end I started to fear what might happen next, things were getting out of control to the point of dangerous. I can't explain this, and the details of events are not going to reveal anything but anyone who has ever been in this territory knows that feeling of being exposed and under assault. It is a place of terror. At that point I eased off what I was doing. It was I believe the right thing to do at that time. What has been interesting today, and yesterday to a lesser extent, is the almost immediate backlash.