L'homme armé

I feel remorse for the things I have done, and a sorrow for what I am. A pain of conscience, despite aspirations - in fact, probably because of aspirations. Gurdjieff, I know, encouraged remorse of conscience as the opposite of self-calming and indulgent self-reproach. He believed remorse of conscience healed the past. It is a realisation of one's abnormality, an acknowledgement of sin and the wrong things one has done. That's why I have a penchant for the minor keys and desolate landscapes, they allow me space to feel what I really feel. The Work comes down to what we feel. It exists to make us feel. The first conscious shock, the impressions octave, is ultimately a simple and uncomplicated method for increasing the level of vibrations in one's being by transforming the impressions received. It takes us directly to the second conscious shock, the point of transforming emotions. The work is forcing us to wake up and feel in a real way.

This aim took an intense and violent form, it assaulted me in unexpected ways, such that ... Well, I did reach something similar some years ago. At that time, being relatively inexperienced, I became fearful, weakened and overcome by the experience, so I backed off. I didn't know how to deal with the backlash that comes from Work efforts. It scared me, the fire was too hot. This Lent aim took me right through that fire, embracing the experience. I had to say: I want this, I want it more, I want it in all its intensity. Fear is a spectre, it cannot hurt. I have protection. Sure, there is a force here, let it kick me to the ground and maul me. Let it! I am free. I learned to walk with the attitude of so-what-and-be-damned. It was all I could do. That is the price of going against yourself, it is how you pay it all back. Faced with real suffering my mechanical requirement for a life of comfort, a life of emotional ease (Re 24) was just glaring. We can approach the first conscious shock with a certain nonchalance, almost saying to ourselves "Is this it? It's easy!" Well it is, for as long as we can sustain the effort. But such efforts lead us into mythical places, Chapel Perilous, to combat dark Knights - and we don't want to lurk in those hostile territories too long. Such is the province that is the second conscious shock. The lower vibration of the sleeping man feels the touch of something more rare, is excited by a higher energy, an aspiration. The lower resonates and longs to partake and be with that which is higher. It is drawn magnetically towards the Light of Liberty. It is as irresistible as sunlight to a germinating seedling. The lower needs the help of that which is higher in order to cross these mythical Kingdoms and stand up to the challenges and tests thrown down. C said in the comments to that Lent effort: pray. And that is what we must do to secure our Work at the point of the second conscious shock. We do that, or we are dashed against the Stone. That is our call for help. The title of this post is tied to the fact that we must be in prayer if we are to do this Work. Redemption is applied to the hearts and lives of sinners (those beings filled with remorse of conscience): each must learn how, and what it means personally.