Negative Talk

Negative emotions make the world go round ...

Duration: Seven days

5th - 11th January

For seven days I will control my mouth. I will not utter anything negative about any person. There shall be no verbal leakage of negative energy either in the words used, the tone or the expression I adopt.

2Pe 1:6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;

Notes:

1. Having formulated this aim, I switched on the TV and caught some popumentary called The Most Annoying People of the Year. Basically half-cast celebs are interviewed on their opinions of other celebs which is then cut with archive footage of the celeb that is getting ripped. Just cheap production values in keeping with celebrity gossip mags and the like. I wasn't even watching the programme as such, just glancing up as different images grabbed my attention. Then I slowly began to realise - and I can hardly believe it now that I am writing it - but it was like I was sub-vocalising what I was hearing. All that negative outpouring was actually entering my being, physically in fact. I don't really believe it happened now that I'm writing it. It's just too strange. I was mimicking their words? So it seemed! (04/01/08)
   
2. Observing thoughts. There's a character at work I put on written warning before Christmas. I would have sacked him long ago, he knows it too. I don't have a problem with his work. But his attitude sucks, his time keeping gets worse and generally he takes the piss. I let him do it on the basis that if I give him enough rope and keep it all documented he'll have no case in a tribunal - I'll not get roasted by the vagaries of employment law in the hands of a solicitor. So I let him hang himself. It's difficult to manage. Other staff think he's getting away with things but that isn't what is actually happening. I'm managing perceptions and the rest. Still, I'm not expecting to see him next week. I'm sure he's got another job. Anyway, my thoughts are drifting around this particular event. I don't bear grudges, I have no problem with him. I'd stop and talk in the street. He's just in the wrong job. Simple. He has anger management issues, as they say. He's got an ugly chip on his shoulder. He's resentful of others. That's grist for the mill if he ever wants to take it up. But I'm watching my thoughts and realising next week I'll be in conversations where people will be slating him. The temptation will be there for me to follow or even lead. And then, thinking about other characters at work, there will be lots of opportunities for me to trip over myself. There is in that environment a lot of negative talk about others. I have it in mind that this whole area of mouth control/talk/thought-chains is ripe for Work over this year - a big area. So ... I'm not saying anything negative about anyone as yet but I'm already noticing negative thoughts - and that is regardless of the fact that I don't really feel negative to this character. It's purely mechanical: he took the piss, I had to handle it carefully to avoid bullshit dismissal claims, other people get pissed off that the situation is unresolved and there is generally a negative vibe in the air and mechanically we all get drawn into putting this guy down whenever he's not around. In practise it may be helpful to counter the external negative expressions of others by adding something positive. In this instance, just stating that this character was in the wrong job or working for the wrong company changes the focus. It may not always be possible and then it's a case of watchful silence. (05/01/08)
   
3. Another interesting event. Went out with family to celebrate Mother's birthday. Before receiving the bill some family were debating over what everyone 'owed'. I wasn't really following the discussion and just went and settled the bill in full. People then wanted to give me their share. I said it was OK but evidently it wasn't, so I accepted what contribution they offered. We departed outside restaurant and I returned home with my brother and mum. They were discussing the pettiness of breaking the bill down to, "you had a wine" and "but you had a lemonade and then a coffee later". I agree, keep it simple, why sweat over differences? Anyway I kept quiet. Later, I was retelling this event. Although I told it as it happened without putting down those family members that argued over the bill, I noticed it was the fact that I saw their actions negatively that motivated me to talk of them. So, in a less than overtly obvious way I was expressing negative emotions about these family members. None of this writing conveys the delicate subtleties of the event - which is often the case when we attempt to translate Work events into words. We look like we lead exceptionally extraordinarily petty lives. Well, maybe we do. (05/01/08)
4. Had my first blow out this afternoon. It was just a matter of time. I can get snappy with people. I always feel primed to fire anyway, just being with people can do that but it's nothing to do with them. They just act as a catalyst. That's why I never struggle with resentment and holding grudges. I explode and within seconds if not immediately, it's over and I'm chill again. I know, it's not worth justifying. I release a burst of negativity and fire it directly into someone and they carry it for a while and then they release and negative emotions make the world go round ... what comes around goes around. (06/01/08)
   
5. I fell down. Just leaving the office and got caught in a conversation about the latest round of bullshit our CEO has thrown out. It seems to have got everyone riled and united against him - well they do say bosses are not there to be liked. Mind, it's the perception of his general incompetence, poor people and management skills why he's not liked. But anyway, I fell in with the drift of the conversation. I maybe was not so identified with indignation and disgust as others but anycase, I was not awake and resisting the event. I was complicit throughout. I don't recall saying anything particularly negative but I offered support and encouraged those doing the negative talk. So what's the difference? (08/01/08)
6. But just how tempting! I so want to say something - I can't say if that is the call of a mechanical habit squirming for air or merely the rebellious saboteur self-will, but there's a mounting tension. (08/01/08)
7. I have to say I haven't suffered so greatly as I expected with regard to control of negative talk, unless I'm just not observing it? And only occasional emotional outbursts. However, a different story identifying with out of control thoughts and runaway emotional states. An unusual event occurred this week which really freaked me out. Briefly, I had a phone call at work and only after a few minutes did I realise something odd in the nature of the enquiries. It was then revealed that I was talking to the HSE about allegations made against our company working methods and practises. The HSE, like Customs & Excise, have more power than the Police. I know enough to understand the implications of being under investigation. I was on the back foot, really feeling like a guilty party, and struggling to respond coherently to a barrage of direct questions. Totally lost my cool and got flustered. It was weird. I was then asked to respond in writing to these allegations. I insisted that the allegations be put in writing first which elicited a rather cool response. I was told it would be easier for me to respond to the telephone conversation. I insisted on something in writing. I hung up. My mind was racing as I began to re-piece the strange fragmented conversation. It was obvious the allegation originated from within the company and only one member of staff, as I reasoned, would want to cause problems. Obviously, we comply with current regulations but it's down to me to prove it now. These events are very challenging, never mind having to disprove the allegations. The world is like this, you may not recognize it, but when you engage in efforts that go against the world - even if you don't yet perceive them as such (yet all efforts to awaken from mechanical slumber are contra mundum) - the world assaults you. It may be your wife, your children, a stranger, your employers, the priest, the law, the government - let's face it, you never know from where the assault will come. I don't mean that I have to answer questions and face the possibility of an HSE investigation but that being in the midst of such events gives one so much cause for friction and discomfort and is a call to Work on oneself and resist naturally mechanical habits. In moments of rest, and I consider this moment as such, being a time for some self-reflection and the like, I feel the power of the Eternal. Whatever the world wants to hit me with, as messy as it wants to get - well, what is it if it isn't a bunch of events set out in time to aid the development of my being? O God of my Exodus, I am an experiment of the solar laboratory. "The root of death is in having been sent forth by God", as Geerhardus Vos so well noted; it is the wages of sin, an inevitability for us. Where are we at death? Ps.73:11 Yea, all kings shall fall down before him: all nations shall serve him. (10/01/08)
   
8. Found myself in a discussion as predicted - at work, another colleague. I resisted and resisted and then succumbed not to negative talk but a subtle kind of piss take. Irresistible in the end, yet I saw it building and kept saying "no, no don't touch it, NO!" and then I just started talking. Interesting how we can be awake in the midst of an event and struggle with it but still overall be conscious and the moment the mouth is opened sleep descends upon us like snow on a field of green grass. (11/01/08)
9. One last note. Two days after this effort was completed I went to the tip with some bags of rubble. Once there I began to dump the bags in a large skip that had a sign on the front "Hardcore & Rubble, Plasterboard". No sooner had I started emptying it than this guy is shouting, "What the hell you doing?" I exploded, I literally went nuts! "WHAT?? I'm emptying rubble into the skip!" He began telling me I should be emptying into the skip with the sign "Soil & Clean Brick". I argued with him that his signs were stupid and misleading. It went on a short while, him defending his signs. I didn't call him a fucking idiot but it came out of me in every other way. Once he started to think, he gave up and disappeared. But the key here is that my response was out of all proportion to the event and that tells us one thing: this was backlash. And, it reminds us, this is the dangerous territory we are talking about. I was ferocious and out of control, anything could have happened. One rule here is to keep up these efforts, remain vigilant against the type of negative talk identified in this aim. (13/01/08)