Three Small Efforts

Just for this afternoon:

1. Self-remember at 1400 throughout (another) dental appointment.
2. Self-remember during visit to relatives.
3. Self-remember writing journal (got some plans to firm up what I want out of the new year).

Notes on those efforts:
I was standing on the doorstep watching the passing traffic, the dreary weather, sensing my presence in the moment, remembering myself whilst waiting for the dentist to open after lunch. After about 5 minutes the door opened and entering the building I began a conversation with my dentist. What happened? I went out like a light. I only realised on my way home the tragedy of another lost moment. Something similar, but less definite occurred whilst visiting my mother. I had some presence but all too fragile and short lived. And then, writing my journal? Well, it would be very convenient, having understood that SR is so much easier when one is alone (or being quiet, playing a passive role, engaging activities such as reading, listening to music, and so forth) to then only place oneself in the midst of such events. It's a danger because that approach is the path of least resistance, it is medieval and monastic. It is suited to certain types but surely no one in the Work. The purpose of engaging this Work is to develop Being in the thick of daily life, and whilst certain events and attitudes will by necessity be lost along the way, just as a matter of course or through deliberation, we must still move with presence in the world. We have our roles to play, we are conscious beings walking the royal way to the heavenly city Sarras. Something is missed and wasted if all we develop is the ability to remain conscious in caves with tomes and private thoughts. We end up like - well, I don't know, but experience teaches that the Knight must walk consciously out of Camelot, the City of Men.

On another note, I cannot state how dangerous and disproportionate to the degree of self-remembering, the backlash has been. What I notice (and I am noting this for the first time), in almost all my past experience the backlash has been an emotional riot from within and as such filled me with fear of what IT might say or do and the consequences of that lack of control. But now I am experiencing the backlash as a General Law type assault where other people, and generally those very close to me, are apparently being used as weapons against me. What I can say for anyone who may be encountering anything similar is this: be grateful for the friction, it's a beautiful thing even if it's a hellish event to undergo. You have contact, so be grateful, it's all for you. Our exile is a state of forgetfulness and these events offer potent moments for self-remembering.

Seasonal Opportunity

This evening, well 1700 hrs we meet in a bar for a work's night out. Is that what you call these things? Anyway, not something I really enjoy. When I was younger I resolutely refused to participate in anything like a social gathering. My position in the business makes it somewhat obligatory, although I could worm out of it if I really tried. Since I met the work, I tend not to want to run away from this type of event. It's an opportunity to practise self-remembering, non-identifying and general self-control in the midst of intoxication and over-indulgence. I'll likely not sit it out to the end but as long as I'm there, I'll have this intention.

Note:
A weak effort overall. Felt a bit deadened but observed this as an overall emotion prevalent among the party. Exception being one woman who is an alpha male type, no matter where you are or what you are doing you hear her voice above the crowd. She's very lovely in other ways, helpful and caring, but also harsh and simple in the sense that party animals reduce everything down to sex, drugs and rock n roll. She's definitely into her sex and alcohol. Reading C's comment that I'll be targeted, well this woman would be the one, it's always her type. But it was really a flat-lined effort. I wasn't a threat to anyone. Interesting to note here, as this is something I've observed before: you think you are SR and somehow, either through other people or oneself initiating a conversation, you are lead into that type of internal considering where the group discuss absent individuals, slagging them off. I think I fell prey to that early in the evening and never properly regained myself. And as it's happening in real time it doesn't even seem like anything - that is the horror of sleep, it all seems so natural, so normal and right. And then on those occasions where you are doing big SR efforts, it can seem like a breeze and so easy, you entirely under value how rare the event is and just what effort it requires. Anyway, some you win and some you lose.

This Day

This Day:

Self-remember:

1. Five mile motorcycle journey, site meeting, 11 mile motorcycle journey.
2. Appointment with dentist.
3. Housework.

Aim is to head in to the day and meet with these certain-to-occur events in a state of self-remembering. In the first place, this is an expression of 'work will' - simply remembering to be here. Secondly, it's a rote type effort to then stay present. This is a pregnancy. You have to give birth to oneself during these predetermined events.

The two motorcycle journeys and site visit lasted about 90 minutes. I obviously slipped away somewhere along the second leg and found myself sat in front of the computer at my desk about 3 hours later. I noted that with a sense of shock and surprise - how easily I went 'out' and for such a time! Then, later I remembered myself as I lay with my mouth wide open in that vulnerable posture that dentists put you in. How long I lasted I'm not sure. Odd thing, I have remembered myself so many times in the dentist's chair that it is almost an association: dentist = opportunity to self-remember. Something about the clinical and alien atmosphere combined with the passive state.

There is no way to summarize the events of this evening. No-one uninvolved in the Work, lacking the practical experience of spiritual warfare, will understand if I say that the event I described as 'housework' (which was intended to be a general tidy up and preparing for Christmas) turned out to be an assault of epic proportions taking all the subtlety and craft of Odysseus not to be drawn down into a hellish state of negative emotions and intense identifying. How difficult was that? I can't explain. Events of this magnitude sound ludicrous, even to oneself. How can it be put into words? That is the problem here. We are operating in an internal landscape. It surpasses all the common levels of meaning. We are naturally led into the practical romantic visual language of the grail. It communicates real events, real experiences common to those who walk this way. We are in strange lands. Everything looks normal, seems normal, and I'm sure anyone with half a grade in basic psychology would be able to offer a good rational reason for things being like this or like that - and still, they'd be wrong. But that's how it is. These experiences are unusual, and actually, rare. We are moving out of this world, by degrees but it is happening. It is a life of constant vigilance, constant battle, with defeats and victories. There is no 'Enchanted Ground' - washing the dishes is no retreat, it too becomes an event in which we are forced to stand and fight or fall. Yet, what use are these words to anyone who has not yet cast off their ignorance?

Schedule Self Remembering for One Day

Aim: Self remember every 15 minutes for 7 hours

Start: 1015
Finish: 1715

Result: 9/28
One mark on a piece of paper indicated a quarterly presence. In total I could accrue 28 marks, four each hour. At the end of the 7 hours I totalled 9 marks.

Notes:
Frustrating to say the least. I needed to go Christmas shopping. Not good. When shopping I have about 90 minutes after which I 'max' out. I handle the event rather poorly, being easily angered, frustrated or whatever. It always beats me. I hate it. I'm a hit 'n' run shopper, if I'm a shopper at all. The upshot was that today was much harder in terms of self-remembering than the two days that preceeded. It felt like a treading treacle battlefield. I would grab hold of presence and minutes later realise I had lost it and again minutes later repeat that realisation. And on, the whole day through, I just never got a grip. Though, due to my dislike of this type of (shopping) event, the unrelenting inner friction served as a continual reminder of my situation. I was unable to hold onto presence for any length of time but the lull of sleep was constantly broken such that the poor quality of presence was matched by the lack of truly forgetful sleep. THE DISTURBANCE RAN BOTH WAYS. I may take that as something positive. In anycase, I'm not aiming for a particular quality in these efforts. I'm ditch digging, lifting myself up into the Eternal Present of Here Now. The high street is not a bad place to practise awakening but it's a mean scene among those crowds, so easy to forget the flow of Grace ... and the Ark drops out of sight.

Schedule Self Remembering for One Day

Aim: Self remember every 15 minutes for 7 hours

Start: 1130
Finish: 1830

Result: 16/28
One mark on a piece of paper indicated a quarterly presence. In total I could accrue 28 marks, four each hour. At the end of the 7 hours I totalled 16 marks.

Notes:
A much more difficult day, dealing with really volatile external events. Did I hang on? Maybe I could have controlled my emotional states - I know it could be better . Actually, I've been like a roman-candle, a succession of delayed explosions. Yet, the aim was to be present every 15 minutes, and I did that pretty well after a poor start. Let's remember here, the object is not a clocking in exercise. You want to be here in real time presence and hold on, to show your value for what is yours. Dropping in every 15 minutes is the wrong approach, whilst dropping out between is something that happens but the aim is always to face the events that the world throws at you and to stay awake throughout. Thinking back a few years, I would make daily efforts, week long and 40 day efforts and the backlash would come, perhaps not always but often long after the effort. It would take me unawares, like some low life loitering in an alley waiting to mug me. In the end I started to fear what might happen next, things were getting out of control to the point of dangerous. I can't explain this, and the details of events are not going to reveal anything but anyone who has ever been in this territory knows that feeling of being exposed and under assault. It is a place of terror. At that point I eased off what I was doing. It was I believe the right thing to do at that time. What has been interesting today, and yesterday to a lesser extent, is the almost immediate backlash.

One Day Work Effort:

Aim: Self remember every 15 minutes for 8 hours

Start: 1045
Finish: 1845

Result: 21/32
One mark on a piece of paper indicated a quarterly presence. In total I could accrue 32 marks, four each hour. At the end of the 8 hours I totalled 21 marks.

Notes:
This was an ad hoc on-the-fly type of effort. It was 1045 I was self-remembering and set the aim there and then. There is something in setting aims from a position of already being awake. Here I am, I need to stay here, hold on, this belongs to me. I was present for a continuous 45 minutes, which I class as a flying start. I then hit a nasty state of identifying and found myself confronting emotional difficulties. I remembered the Work adage that says you will never be given more than you can deal with. It was still a painful struggle, my limits were being pushed. I was in the 3rd state almost all day, sometimes only dropping out at the moment I should have recorded my presence. I had another 'backlash' experience mid afternoon. Again I was being pushed and that area of comfort was disappearing. Interesting the psychological moves one makes to recover lost territory. We become more false in those moments, false laugh, false smile, that sort of thing. We are complex creatures but if you ignore the detail, which is the personal bit, we are actually simplistic mechanistic processes that are more crude than subtle.