The Gospel of Satan

By chance I stumbled upon this article. I may not have bothered to read it under such circumstances but the author being not unfamiliar I began the first paragraph. I don't have any commentary to append except perhaps to say writing of this quality leaves us all exposed and we would do well to heed those final words to examine ourselves, to measure ourselves by the Word of God.

As a side note, given the insight I touched upon here regarding the Book of Proverbs, and C's insight on Proverbs serving as a handbook for the Spiritual Quest it may be of relevance that of all the books of Scripture it was this same book which first penetrated Pink's heart.

There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death. - Proverbs 14:12

External Considering

Seven Day Aim

16 - 22 December 2008

For whatever reasons, I frequently find myself drawn into arguments. Truly unnecessary, even meaningless arguments that burn good energy and leave a bilious taste in the gut. Sometimes I observe the cause arising within others but often it is the out of control parts of my own being gaining unbridled expression. This aim seeks the non-expression of all irritations and disagreements and secondly the conscious effort to hear the other person: to step aside. As they say in kung fu, 'receive what comes, follow what goes'. It's simply a way of controlling the opponent's energy, to yield and let it go, to trap it, to handle it as one chooses - as the occasion demands.

The second element of this effort is good 'ole standard 7 x daily rote self-remembering and prayer.

State of Being

"For the goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey ... "

And we find ourselves left wandering, travelling through this earthly kingdom openly exposed to the "subtil of heart" who wish to draw us into a chamber of death, to snare and then slay us.

And this is the picture of any one of us at any time we are not engaged in the effort to awaken, at any time we are not assembled to rule the congregation.

[Proverbs 7]

Transform the Unmanifest

We want to place a point of consciousness at the tip of a particular activity or event. We want to transform something, at least one thing each day. We want to create energy of consciousness, preserve something rather than lose it in the ceaseless passing momentariness of the day. It doesn't matter what the event is - sailing a skiff, ironing your night shirts, milking an anglo-nubian, ploughing the legumes, cooking plantain ... for breakfast. Or something entirely different. We want to give what we have - our time - in conscious service to the Glory of God. We need to do this much to stand still.

But here's something to think about. While we aim to put consciousness into events, and recurrent trivial events at that, there are yet greater glories to uphold. Certain things are not meant to enter into manifestation - there are things that need not come down at all. The Work has always been something we experience in the flow of life. It picks us up in the commotion of daily living, long recognised as the best place to experience and thus find valuation for the Work. Amidst this daily agitation, we quickly come to understand that our point of contact is often already too late to effect much transformation. We are left developing a passive Observing I. No bad thing in itself but only an early day motion. Even in the heat of more direct efforts and planned programs, we are too often found bloodied, conquered by forces beyond our previous imagining. It is obvious to say it, we need to work in the unmanifest. If it sounds at all doubtful then observe something simple, a coarse event: the presence of negative emotions in daily life. So commonplace is this infectious fever - it's nearly invisible - we can say, almost confidently, by the time we are adults the majority of our emotional tagging of events will be negative. Our neuro-emotional networks are riddled with dark cancerous markers just waiting to release the next wave of negative energy into the world. The most trivial things are tagged to release this poison. It takes very little for most of us to throw out our dummies, those that don't see this have not yet experienced their personal limitations. We're such very delicate, self-important things. And none of this even touches on the influence of giant sinkhole events such as 9/11 or the current meltdown of the worlds financial institutions.

We are surrounded by people, they are everywhere and they are all making demands of us. When they are not making demands we find ourselves wrestling with ideas or monologues triggered either by the memory of other people or else in some other manner related back to our musings on our relationships with others, be that real or imagined, physically familial or as tenuous as connecting with a long dead author. And if any of that abates for a moment, life-events fill the vacuum, some crisis occurs. Or else we are overwhelmed with loneliness, boredom, a sense of inadequacy, lack of recognition for our personal genius or what ever other emotional stupidity is having the better of us. It is a world full of negative emotions swirling in a dynamic melange of human interplay. All of this negativity is first established in the unmanifest. By giving expression to our negative emotions we give 'it' manifest form to breathe and prosper. Once it's out there it runs amok - and that is the level at which daily life conducts itself.

And then we have the Work. We may practise placing consciousness in Dance Movements or the Art of Pancake Flipping but recognise that these efforts simply cock the hammer, the energy of consciousness that we so struggle to contain is what ignites the powder and drives out the leaden force of negative emotion. If we sit and wait, we get what comes. It's very simple. Never forget and work actively to transform the unmanifest. Not because we can or ultimately that we need to - after all, the fields are full of Angus, Guernsey and Charolais and the grass is usually green - but because it is the will of God. And because it is an expression of our Service that we seek to cleanse ourselves.

Divine Learning

A few weeks back as I was getting into bed I found myself awakening, coming into presence, with an unusually deep sense of a 'visible' umbilical spiralling out from the core of my being to the heart of God. The energy was wholly in the connection. My thoughts rushed towards the Bible, the Book of Proverbs. I can reason that very quickly. If our objective is contact then wisdom and understanding are the access roads - wisdom of the Holy Spirit - and this is what Proverbs teaches. Get ye understanding and wisdom ...

A day or so later with this event still fresh and an effective influence, this little gem was brought to my attention.

Dead Tomes

It has been a while now since I last read Homer, though he's often close in mind, and this without intentional effort. I'm always considering another reading of Homer. With Homer, as with the Holy Bible and a few other key works, distance and time between readings only further increases some natural arising within my soul that draws me inward and closer towards the essence of what these works embody. I can of course reach a point in my daily wanderings where I might admit to having lost all connection. There's no truth in that but there is an animal within that when dominant allows that kind of language to float through. The truth is these works soar down in the quietest of moments tearing from the heart the impurities and sullied accruals of daily living. I am drawn to the magisterial beauty of works that have a power to purify - it may be fleeting, and short lived in real time, it may even be imagined - we can allow that, it makes no difference. Always there is this cleansing aspect, this power-to-order that identifies them as more than books, wholly rare influences and unique. If, like Johnson you will agree books are mortal like men, these books are the Immortals. And yet, there are those who simply do not have a clue ... and there is no good reason, as I can see, for such rank idiocy. I recently came across Alessandro Baricco's translation of The Iliad. As Homerica goes I've never heard of him. I know nothing more of his achievements. What strikes me as shocking in Baricco's effort to rewrite Homer is that he has ditched the essence of Homer - the inhabitants of Olympus, the very representations of a divine society - and, doing so, created an obsequie for a society deranged with vanity and self-will. Not only is our media riddled with worms who crawl around on their bellies, jaws a-clatter declaring God to be an imaginary figure of our primitive minds, but there are hick scholars the equivalent of delinquent teenagers quite unable to value the treasures they hold. Satisfied that God has been erased from the conscience of man, even it would seem the pagan Gods, and in essence all forms of higher influence, so now it must be stripped from the literature. What hollow glories are these? Hectors religious solemnity suddenly means nothing, has no bearing or value, his whole relationship with Helen undermined. He may just as well make that wine-offering to Zeus with the blood dripping from his hands. Who cares? How are we to understand Achilles knowledge of death, his self-belief and confidence? And what value Apollo's warnings or Zeus' promises? How can we understand the sadness of Helen's great beauty without understanding her cursed fate as a victim of Aphrodite? Nor that her longing for death and deliverance are matched only by the grip of a goddess too strong for her to do anything but yield. It isn't just that a translation of this sort considerably alters the surface texture but that it bleeds the essence of the work, makes slaves of unwary readers and tells an artificial story, a lie - a real Trojan horse. Perhaps the essence of tragedy is retained but what a tragedy that there should be no Athene.

The Ugly Usher

At the end of octave the primary observation blocked out in front of me like an immovable slab of millstone grit is the presence of a Little Man who despite everything stands at the forefront of all that I experience, of all that comes in towards me. The Ugly Usher that was there before any of this Work began is there after the theatre has fallen silent. I have to be careful not to leave an impression here that the Work has come to nothing. It's a wary usher that now knows he can't hide any more. He breathes easy, but that same ease will usher in the New Season soon enough. His presence is a gift that will serve to further the Work. The grail is very paradoxical like that. We always stated: Increase real will, consciousness & understanding. It was never put more simply. It was and remains the whole focus. What comes after the silence at the end of octave? Re-statement, renewal. Personally I always understood that the Work should not edge us further to the outer reaches of society, as recluses or social spastics - I was probably both of those before I engaged the work. After the sacking of Troy, it was only natural that Menelaus would return home with his superficially beautiful wife. Where else was he to go? Helen is Helen, how could he reject her when ultimately she needed his lead? The perfect ascent is impossible.

Signs of a Struggle

A couple of days ago whilst at work I went to buy lunch from a nearby burger van. Whilst waiting to be served I got 'talking' to someone based in the same building. She was being critical of a new employee who has quickly gained the reputation of being generally incompetent requiring too much hand-holding and having poor people skills. I understood where she was coming from. I was listening as she went on at length about the guy and how useless he was. I could sense myself awakening, I recognized the event and really didn't want to participate, it was dirty and I didn't want it touching me. So I kept silent, awake to the event and my surroundings. And she continued talking. It was an interesting moment. I could sense the nature of the struggle unfolding. As she spoke I gave her my attention. I could see she had become quite uncomfortable. She was aware that something unseen had changed. She had initiated this 'conversation' quite voluntarily and with a certain confidence that was now dissolving. I felt great pity, not in a condescending manner, I genuinely felt sorry for her - I was making her uncomfortable, I could feel it acutely, her discomfort. This event in real time was a matter of seconds perhaps but it may have lasted forever, or at least like a slow motion accident. I wanted to take away her suffering and in the moment there seemed only one option. So I joined in the conversation, sharing personal anecdotal stories that confirmed much of what she had been saying. And then I slowly slid back into a sleeping state. And, I assume, because I can no longer say with any certainty, that she relaxed with me. Later, on reflection, I found this event of particular interest. How the world draws us down in to these events. The challenges on the way. The micro-events that take on a vast significance when one is conscious of the battle. It was really a moment for new thinking, an opportunity to grasp a common predicament, it was an opportunity to create something new. I felt sorry for her and made a bad decision that did neither of us any good.

The Work is Service

The Work is Service. It's the only way to consider it. I think also that there is a lot in that approach. There is a lot that is revealed through Service. I'm speculating but my sense is that these people that find themselves chewed up/spat out in cults never had that perspective. I wouldn't like to say they are motivated purely by vanity or self-will, but I do sense this lack of Service at the root of their ailing and a possible cause for them being attracted to a cult circuit in the first place. Although, one has to reserve caveats for the exceptions. I suppose the cult experience is one way in which individuals are broken down and prepared for the real Work, but again how many of those types are fit for the Work I don't know.

Considering this idea a little further it is not difficult to understand that the Service we are discussing is directly the means by which we are preserved through Christ by the Holy Spirit. We are in voluntary Service to God through faith and - what has historically been referred to as - penitence: a word I find loaded with negative association. Yet, this inner remorse (that is the meaning of penitence) for one's own wrong doings, which previously I have written about on this blog as remorse of conscience, is clearly a defining characteristic of a regenerate soul. We are all prisoners of the flesh and the world, our will in bondage and slave to a depraved heart. Unless grace saves, we are lost; it's either the Kingdom of God or the Kingdom of Satan. This penitent aspect of our regenerate nature unveils, if only retrospectively (and somewhat painfully), the idiocy (sickness) of the ways of the Old man. So the Old man is subdued and we seek restoration with Christ through 'holiness of heart' - a property of Service that secures a true lively faith and covenant obedience (another word that disturbs self-will and worldly pride).

Of the names of God, and there are many, perhaps the hardest to come-to and the most revealing is: Father, which is in Heaven. The direct simplicity of the name Father heralds the whole Christian mystery. When Christ said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt. (Mar 14:36) he showed all that would how righteous service is done. It is the revealed Will of Our Father that we should know Him, so that we may become partakers in His nature. His is a Will that loves, and by the sacrifice of itself makes others partakers of the grace of adoption, heirs of everlasting salvation.

And through this internal call to Service one cannot mistake the operation of the Holy Spirit: For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts,(2Co 4:6) and heaven opens to us here now.

The Crown Jewels (That's You!)

Without the AV 1611 the Work is but a waltz through hollow dreams with a Cheshire grin waiting to be erased. So take the Holy Bible and read it thrice, get ye oriented, Genesis through to Revelation. And, do the practises of the 1st & 2nd conscious shock. Roll up your sleeves and prepare for work.

With that grounding, you will learn to keep yourself in a Serviceable condition, which is after all, what you are here to do.

Acknowledging that Gurdjieff taught how we might make the teachings authentic in our own being through the strivings of our conscience, I'll hand it over to the Victorian Reformed preacher, Charles Spurgeon (from his Twelve Sermons on the 2nd Coming of Christ) who summed up the Work perfectly:

"You are something more than dumb, driven cattle, that must think of hay and water. You have immortal spirits. Rise to the dignity of your immortality. Begin to think of the kingdom, the kingdom so soon to come, the kingdom which your Father has given you, and which, therefore, you must certainly inherit, the kingdom which Christ has prepared for you, and for which he is making you kings and priests unto God, that you may reign with him for ever and ever. Oh, be not earth bound! Do not cast your anchor here in these troubled waters. Build not your nest on any of these trees; they are all marked for the axe, and are coming down; and your nest will come down, too, if you build it here. Set your affections on things above, up yonder, -

"Up where eternal ages roll,
Where solid pleasures never die,
And fruits eternal feast the soul;"

there project your thoughts and your anxieties, and have a care about the world to come. Be not anxious about the things that pertain to this life. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

Just what the blazes is the ‘work’?

Anti-hero Nemo has delivered a response and true to his name he continues to roam the deep dark depths avoiding contact with anything touched by the light. Perhaps, like his fictional counterpart, he too thirsts for vengeance? Who's to say what personal experiences have driven him to these shores? For sure Nemo expresses some certain partiality towards an earthly, sensual - even devilish - wisdom. His confusion is the big give away. That clamshell heart steering a willful, dogmatic adherence to this absurd role as a Debriefing Agent for misguided souls unfortunate enough to have gotten snared in the Gurdjieffian mind fuck. Personal aggrandisement? No such thing. It's straight from the heart, Nemo wants to save you from the false formulations of the big black magician, but ... (oh! damn) his writings read like a string of non-sequiturs. He asks the basic question, what is the Work, but casts that aside in case the answer gets in the way of his edifying topic. And so we are informed that behind all the noise of the Work there is nothing but an undefined abstraction. Glad you checked it out mate.

The Work begins with an act of self-observation, seeing oneself as one is, seeing what you are like as a person. No one can do this for you. Definitely not Nemo nor Gurdjieff, definitely not anyone else. You will have a picture of yourself, the kind of person you imagine you are. You may be aware of that picture but most likely not. So observe yourself, your thoughts, feelings, moods and how they motivate and influence your actions and the things you say and do. You cannot be parted from the illusion of what you are until you are able to see yourself as you are. Exposing this inner disorder is uncomfortable, sometimes difficult and emotionally unpleasant. It has to be by necessity. When you can see the contradiction between the imaginary picture you have of yourself and the picture of yourself as you are, then you begin to lay down a new memory of yourself. You are not what you imagine and as you observe more of yourself amidst the clamour and noise of personality, truth emerges. At this stage you can receive help from above. The difficulty is that until this stage is complete a person still believes they are 'awake' - what the practise of the Work verifies is that you are buried beneath accumulated layers of self-satisfaction and vanity. And that, at least in part, is what we call 'sleep'. As for self-observation, it never really ends, it only grows as the Work deepens.

Nemo's drawn his line in the sand, his position obviously something of a non-aim. He likes what he knows and he knows what he likes: the Work never was for that type so it shouldn't surprise us to find him coughing and spluttering in the cold wind that blows through time. There is no malice, for the course of true love never did run smooth, and Nemo protests a little too much.

2Th 3:5
And the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God, and into the patient waiting for Christ.

The Fourth Way

I have been reading some anti Work declamations, of various degrees, recently. All in all, the uniting theme appears to be a willful lack of understanding. What is interesting is that for the greater part what they find so repugnant in the Work appears mostly to be the cult element of group culture. To that end a lot of the criticism is targeted at the Fellowship of Friends, G Foundation and other G groups generally or else at personalities such as Burton, Ouspensky and Gurdjieff. School is spoken of almost interchangeably (see the essay: Thinking Of Leaving School) with group - so it needs to be said now: you cannot afford to conflate these. And what is it that is most detestable to one truly engaged in the Work? Exactly that: false teachers and the pursuit of the cult of personality. Interesting. Of course, these critical writings don't miss an opportunity to pull down some Work teachings too. Nor is it difficult. Gurdjieff had a penchant for ridiculous sounding terminology and few of the teachings can mean anything without having verified their meaning. What is especially interesting is that in almost every instance they dodge the key teachings around the foundational practise of the first conscious shock. Only in one instance have I read a criticism of self-remembering, which summarises O's description (ISOTM, Chapter 7) as being what modern clinicians describe as a type of disassociative fugue/amnesia. Clearly, most certainly, the author of that critique really hasn't understood what he read because he hasn't bothered to verify the teaching for himself but has elected to rely on the authority of (his own self choosen) modern spooks to substantiate his dismissive. Although, in anycase, the Work is hardly meant as a teaching of universal appeal. Only a small number of people are ever going to be drawn towards the Work. For some it will be meaningful and lead to something more than desultory efforts, for others looking for somewhere to camp it will be a doorway to a group and for others it will be little more than a passing interest. When Charles Manson called his gang of miscreants The Family he revealed to the whole world what it is that lost souls seek.

Of those that do engage, to whatever extent, in the teaching of the 4th Way only a few will internalise those teachings, not as a healing panacea but rather, as a tool to facilitate escape from the bindings of the mechanical. The Work is difficult, often painful, generally uncomfortable and really from a worldly perspective quite unrewarding. Yet, as with other things it can always be abused to gain more 'power and sluts' - which is my general expression for all crass, gross or infinitely subtle allurements that we encounter. Naturally such pitfalls have always existed, being quite necessary tests. Sincere, conscience-oriented Work is a direct line to the source of one's being. And this gets at another point that these critiques appear to miss: the Work does not exist within a vacuum but is especially connected to the New Testament and runs deeply into Christian theology. Yes, it shares ideas with other religious and spiritual disciplines too - as it would, they being part of General Revelation too - which I note some of the critiques attempt to use as evidence that G created some mish-mash stew to befuddle his followers. The point here is that the Work has a long history and is not merely the gobbledegook of a 20th century self-styled guru. Though I can certainly agree that G did his utmost to mask himself with all manner of obscene antics. But why are we talking about him?

The truth is that anyone in contact with the living tradition of the Work doesn't need to join or participate in a G group, doesn't need to go to Church or have anything to do with any other false types - and yet, may find such things of interest or necessary to experience. That hardly matters. Life is not without danger and spiritual warfare is a life of danger. So be it. We are here to experience the desolation of separation - we have it within us, yet also the ability to penetrate and know once again our essential self. Or, like drunken fools we may continue to play absurd roles and never know the truth of our condition. Yes, anyone can witness slum conditions but the reality of our condition is that we are designed as self developing organisms. We are nowhere near our rightful place as heirs of Royalty, nor shall anyone ever be so long as they cling to conditions of their fallen state. Level of being is entirely connected to these ideas. Spiritual truths are revealed by the Spirit, spiritual guidance is given by the Spirit. That's why blind fools write about things beyond their understanding.

1Co 2:13 - 14
Which things also we speak, not in the words which man's wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth; comparing spiritual things with spiritual.
But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.

The Con
Another Black Magician

Plutarchian Puzzles (there are several)

After a week with Plutarch I'm right back where I was whenever it was I was last reading him. His writing is dense and demands some concentration not to miss a detail from which the next several pages will unfold and still, at the end of reading a dozen pages or less, if asked, I probably couldn't recall what I'd just read. Not very clearly anyway. Is that because of the translation? Is it me? What? Such strange and perfectly normal writing. Puzzle.

God protects ...

Parzival's problem, and it is ours too, is his difficulty recognizing the progeny of the Watchers and understanding that despite all outward appearances, they are utterly inimical to the Light that draws us from the dark realms of non-being. Maybe as Books of Enoch & Jubilee say, not all that fell were condemned but certainly great enmity came upon those that followed the Angel Sataniel who befouled the earth. As simplistic and child like as it may seem to talk of light & dark, good & bad and so forth, these qualities remain factual experiences. An innocent like Parzival cannot see the dark intentions of the rulers of the darkness of this world but that does not in any way halt their actions. The fact that the innocent and the ignorant are incapable of perceiving inimical forces only draws out the confrontation ... Let's thank God for His protection.

II Cor. 9:8
And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work:

L'homme armé

I feel remorse for the things I have done, and a sorrow for what I am. A pain of conscience, despite aspirations - in fact, probably because of aspirations. Gurdjieff, I know, encouraged remorse of conscience as the opposite of self-calming and indulgent self-reproach. He believed remorse of conscience healed the past. It is a realisation of one's abnormality, an acknowledgement of sin and the wrong things one has done. That's why I have a penchant for the minor keys and desolate landscapes, they allow me space to feel what I really feel. The Work comes down to what we feel. It exists to make us feel. The first conscious shock, the impressions octave, is ultimately a simple and uncomplicated method for increasing the level of vibrations in one's being by transforming the impressions received. It takes us directly to the second conscious shock, the point of transforming emotions. The work is forcing us to wake up and feel in a real way.

This aim took an intense and violent form, it assaulted me in unexpected ways, such that ... Well, I did reach something similar some years ago. At that time, being relatively inexperienced, I became fearful, weakened and overcome by the experience, so I backed off. I didn't know how to deal with the backlash that comes from Work efforts. It scared me, the fire was too hot. This Lent aim took me right through that fire, embracing the experience. I had to say: I want this, I want it more, I want it in all its intensity. Fear is a spectre, it cannot hurt. I have protection. Sure, there is a force here, let it kick me to the ground and maul me. Let it! I am free. I learned to walk with the attitude of so-what-and-be-damned. It was all I could do. That is the price of going against yourself, it is how you pay it all back. Faced with real suffering my mechanical requirement for a life of comfort, a life of emotional ease (Re 24) was just glaring. We can approach the first conscious shock with a certain nonchalance, almost saying to ourselves "Is this it? It's easy!" Well it is, for as long as we can sustain the effort. But such efforts lead us into mythical places, Chapel Perilous, to combat dark Knights - and we don't want to lurk in those hostile territories too long. Such is the province that is the second conscious shock. The lower vibration of the sleeping man feels the touch of something more rare, is excited by a higher energy, an aspiration. The lower resonates and longs to partake and be with that which is higher. It is drawn magnetically towards the Light of Liberty. It is as irresistible as sunlight to a germinating seedling. The lower needs the help of that which is higher in order to cross these mythical Kingdoms and stand up to the challenges and tests thrown down. C said in the comments to that Lent effort: pray. And that is what we must do to secure our Work at the point of the second conscious shock. We do that, or we are dashed against the Stone. That is our call for help. The title of this post is tied to the fact that we must be in prayer if we are to do this Work. Redemption is applied to the hearts and lives of sinners (those beings filled with remorse of conscience): each must learn how, and what it means personally.

For Lent

Wednesday 6th February - Saturday 22nd March

Forty-day aim to control specific areas of talk:

1. Avoid unconscious use of slang language and swearing.
2. Avoid aimless talk. Recognize gossip as a descending octave.
3. Avoid complaint or 'moaning'.

As a general guide: Stop talking before they stop listening.

And pray.

During Lent Sundays are not counted as they are always taken as days of remembrance. As this aim follows Lent, Sundays are counted as days of effort.

I haven't said it, and in the fire it may be missed. This aim assumes the daily practise of self-remembering:

• whilst reading scripture
• during the efforts to make this aim real
• during seven routine daily tasks & events

This aim coincides with another aim which I prefer not to divulge but which I mention knowing the backlash will impinge upon this effort.

Luk 21:19 In your patience possess ye your souls.

Notes

1. Think of The Odyssey, Bk 17
   Argus the Hound, there at the end of his days. Odysseus returns after 20 years, the man that bred the hound - it's extraordinary to see a beauty like this lying in the dung. Eumaeus the swineherd: This dog did have a master but it's all too obvious he died abroad.
   
   I am in the fire. By 0800am I was in a major conflict with several people, outnumbered and losing control. It came from nowhere, unexpected side swipe. The heat is on. I spent the day attempting to resist some major force pushing me to identify. Probably I am lost in a state of identifying with only some occasional breath of air. I'm sinking. And I know it. How did I cope controlling my mouth? Pretty poor. Maybe some control but mostly none. I watched myself cussing and bitching. I was out in the battlefield exhausted, drained, wanting to run home feeling that I'm not cut out for this. (I'm at home now feeling just the same.) Overwhelmed, bruised, out smarted.
   
   I have this picture of an innocent walking into an ambush without any awareness of what is lying in wait. Having been assaulted he spends the rest of his time reeling from the shock, and feeling woefully inadequate to the quest as it unfolds. He leaves the battlefield like a whimpering Labrador mauled by a Pitbull, head hung low, hunched shoulders, tail between legs, licking his bleeding wounds in disbelief and with a degree of fear. Is this an exaggeration? It's an emotional state. It's what you get when you are measured and cut to size without even knowing what hit you. Innocent? May be not, but in the context of the assault, woefully inadequate and unprepared. And now, where next but to rest and return tomorrow and to care less for what the world will do. An aim was set, a trajectory defined by an effort. Nothing else exists. The forest is in darkness and there is a hush. Take your victuals, dust off your jacket, rest and prepare. A journey has begun and only through Our Lord, will this crossing be taken. Amen. [060208] And admit it, you can't do it alone.
   
   
2. The calm after the storm. It had to be so. I was too battered for anything else to be possible. Yet on reflection, you can't knock these opportunities to experience serious friction generating events. Win or lose, you have to know that such things have to occur. [070208]
   
   
3. It seems I swear a lot. I knew it. I know why too but that's nothing. I don't control it. It's the biggest area of weakness out of the three listed at the top of this post. It has to be clear - observing myself swearing is not enough. There has to be control. I have to be present to prevent it occurring. It's dumb, almost literally. I saw today how I lose energy as I swear. [090208]
   
   
4. Three strikes against me. Yet, other events were controlled. For the record, the two events which are most likely to catch me out are: a) recounting past events, or someone else's story, or b) as an exclamation - something goes wrong and I blurt out "Shit!", "Fuck!", etcetera. [100208]
   
   
5. Another day another war. What do I do? It seems worse, or no better. Nothing has changed. I'm still banging heads with people at 0730 am, (and that, by any standards, isn't worth it). It is interesting to observe though. Interesting how it steals energy, not obviously but it leaves one weakened and feeling less sure, more wobbly. You just can't afford to be wobbly. Forty-nights out in the wilderness with the Devil tempting you is a long time if you start wobbling within the first seven days. It's a long haul. I swore today in a way that I just didn't yesterday. If nothing else at least swearing is a good pointer to the state I'm in - it's a sure sign of sleep. It's easy to be innocent in the midst of these events. Did I say innocent? I meant foolish and duped by one's rational blood & soil thinking. (Not that I want to encourage anything specious but we can understand that there is an order of creation that is supra-rational, burying our heads in the sand of reason is no salvation). To read times of intense strife and friction as if routine daily events of no particular order or value is neither clever or savvy. OK, so it was draining, and the day went pear shaped, but so what? How many other people have daily lives that mess up as soon as they step out into the world? You are just a statistic, one of any number. And, this may be so. You can believe it. Or not. I had to consider, given the nature of my Work, this assault comes from that same generation of vipers, that same godless progeny that were building the civilization of Cain in the blood of his brother. These out of control, out of nowhere, assaults upon our Work - upon my Work - have the tell tale signs of the Rulers of the Darkness of This World that lurk with the intent of smothering all signs of Light. This may all read as highly paranoid but in the heat of the battle, this feels more like a truth than entertainment for the stressed. I recollect a line, a decree given for the Wayfaring Man: The Unclean Shall Not Pass. So with prayer and the help of the Most High God and this decree, I build my defences. For the record, no sooner had I declared that decree than I was racked with physical sensations that appeared to affirm something real in this working. When we step out into the field of battle, when we declare our aims with actions and efforts, be sure the Devil and his children will have your name. (Your fellow sufferers may not know what you are doing but these dark angels most certainly do.) [110208]
   
   Isa 35:8 And a highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness; the unclean shall not pass over it; but it shall be for those: the wayfaring men, though fools, shall not err therein.
   
   
6. There's no telling what places you are going to find yourself roaming when you get involved in efforts to awaken. Stranger still, almost paradoxical, you become alert and awake to certain events and conditions which would lull you into mechanical states, you are vigilant like the night watch at dawn, yet your vulnerabilities in other areas are all the more exposed. Not surprisingly given recent events, I have been waiting for the next onslaught expecting it from the external world, I've braced myself for the inevitable vicious assault. Yet, today I realised much of the past 24 hours I have been smothered with the blanket of internal considering. I have been spent high on the scale of identifying with every passing emotion, trip wires around various individuals, all living and familiar to me in present time. All of this goes on, the Green Knight wants to destroy us, he is the agent of destruction, an enemy on the way. Yet what has he and all the devil's agents? We have in our possession everything we need, even the mystery itself belongs to us. We are great accumulators, it is a divine gift. What has changed? Five years ago I would be here or I would be identifying, now I am here or I am identifying and that part of me that would be here appears to watch that part of me that is identifying. [160208]
   
   
7. I absolutely and completely lost control and flew into a near rage this evening - as close as I can get to fury. Full on melt down, burn up, blow out, incendiary device thing. Total and complete identification with a state of frustration-anger-annoyance-madness rolled into one. Open warfare in the trenches, dirty dog fighting. Black fiends falling. [210208]
   
   
8. Something utterly mystical as if regenerating the whole time body took place this day. The details too acute and personal to put down here. It began early in the morning, a cascade of events that took me from Ludgate Hill, around St Paul's cathedral into Watling Street (a discovery in itself) arriving at St Mary Le Bow for Holy Communion. I was never particularly drawn to Wren's churches personally yet repeatedly my spiritual destiny is woven a little more tightly to his elegant symmetry. I had attempted earlier in the month to arrange a tour of the Whitechapel foundry, where so many of the greatest bells originate, but they were booked months in advance. I was disappointed. What have any of these things to do with this aim? Everything. We must learn to inhabit deeper parts of centres. I'll leave it like that. [220208]
   
   
9. Lot of lessons revealing that I cannot control my mouth. I cannot shut up when I need to. I push things, events, with the things I say. I draw events towards conflict by my inability to shut up. And the words I choose being almost intentionally insulting/challenging/ threatening in ways and turns. Sometimes manipulating sometimes provoking. I let the small man have dominance. Although not wholly. I know for certain that I might choose a particular word to get someone's heckles up because I cannot tolerate their vanity and self-love and it needs kicking. Wrong or right, I can provoke from Work I's. Not certain that should be permissible? Still, I could defend it by saying that the result is a lot of friction which is good for me, but really? I'll leave this note floating because I'm somewhat ambivalent about this matter. I think the first point, at least within the context of the current aim, is that whatever is being vocalized is to be controlled. Beyond that I might look at what is vocalizing, who is doing the talking. [260208]
   
   
10. Another 19 days to go ... and I'm feeling like I've reached a temporary plateau. I daren't say the external assaults have diminished but it is as if those fires I ran through in the early phases of this effort are somewhat below. They were grossly stupid and crass, not especially subtle. Blind and brutish darkness flailing desperately. Well, maybe that type of event is enough to effectively stop some wayfarers? The lesson is simple, welcome all that hits you, receive it as a gift. Friction creates energy. See all negativity as a gift. Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, (EPH 5:20). In anycase, the challenges become increasingly subtle. My struggles are now much more with rapidly emerging states of identifying (with ultimately small trivial interpersonal events) which rise like rogue waves from deep within. Calm waters that suddenly threaten to pound this little ship in two, wine dark depths that would swallow 'me' whole, it only takes the smallest leak. What's to be done? Move fast, remember, consciousness is an under utilized energy - it doesn't belong to us (any of us), it isn't located in some part of the brain - it's 'out there' and free for the effort of taking. You must take it, own it, or fly low with broken wings. Get on your wedding shoes. Harps and bells moving like a wind, here am I far from dry land ... [030308]
    
    
11. Just a short note. Got home from work last night, changing out of my work clothes I placed pocket notepad & pen (which I use to record self-remembering efforts) on the shelf. Having changed went downstairs and got on with life and the evening passed. Went to bed late, slept soundly and awoke, opened my eyes. Instantly like a slap, a shock wave hit me - I was 'out', not present through all yesterday evening. I had forgotten myself for a very long time. That's the thing, it is very easy to forget oneself and when it happens and you experience that initial shock of awakening you realise how little you appreciate or understand what it means to self-remember. Interesting. Remember that shock.
    
    
12. I noticed yesterday, and less so today but then again odd times throughout the week gone, I'm swearing again. Also, never really strapped down the use of slang and catch-phrases and all that lazy stuff that we do with language. In fact, on consideration I reckon the best method for tackling that sort of thing would include an effort to expand one's vocabulary. In truth, a forty-day aim is always a difficult enterprise and this is no exception. I have probably lost a lot of the original impetus and focus. It has become more an effort to self-remember. On the other hand, the unstated aim which coincided with this effort has been most successful. One benefit of a long aim is that one gains a perspective over the journey taken. All those early struggles and dog fights would have no meaning now but they are part of a story and most certainly are meaningful because of that. Events are bracketed. There is a point in the work where life can be anything. I hardly think it matters any more what circumstances or events befall one. I even see how often I intentionally orchestrate events to create situations for myself that are bound by laws that are sure to grate and cause friction - there is something beautiful in willing bondage and knowing that one is liberated and free already and all these worldly things are merely exercises in non-identification. Literally, tests. I could learn my prayer a little better. I could give up yet more of the territory that I spent my entire life protecting. So much has been wasted. Conscious love has no requirements. Now, there is an all embracing rule if one is able to meet it. The future is above us. [150308]
    

Centre of Gravity

The centre of gravity for work on myself over this unfolding year, 2008, is to control the habit of talk. A dedicated effort to control the chief function of unnecessary talk.

Pro 6:2 Thou art snared with the words of thy mouth, thou art taken with the words of thy mouth.

Why mouth control?

It's a primary source of leakage and a social contagion for the manifesting of the mechanical in every living moment. When I observe myself, all my vanity and self-love has for it's root my tongue. There is a direct correlation between talk and identifying, talk and internal-considering, talk and false personality, talk and sleep ... and, so on. Talk is the framework from which the acquired personality drips it's ignorance upon the world. All the worst things come out mechanically through my mouth. Just as the scriptures say, the mouth defiles & condemns.

Mat 15:11 Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.

Whilst writing I remembered several years ago I had the aim: To live in the presence of the Work. That is a great aim, good for a life time. Lack of mouth control prevents it. And though my tongue be untamed and my being small and dirty I shall seek that which is in heaven and pursue holiness. My mind is set on heavenly things. This is what God wants.

Goldberg Variations

In a state of self-remembering listen to the following recording seven times. No start or end dates, but seven complete attentive sessions. Date and times to be noted below.

JS Bach:
Goldberg Variations (BWV 988)
József Eötvös (Guitar)

This recording is beautiful, elegant and controlled and just short of 63 minutes. I forget that this is a solo guitar, the music transcends the instrument through a fluid of unity that is rare. That may be Bach's design but Eötvös has captured and produced something superior amongst such recordings. Unfortunately it is only available from the artist, (and even then his website is broken and you will have to email him):

Jözsef Eötvös

Anyhow, this 10 minute You Tube video is an excellent taster, (if the audio is sub par):

Aria & Variations 1 - 6

The Listenings:

1. 13/01/08 @ 2350
   
2. 14/01/08 @ 1633
3. 16/01/08 @ 2303
4. 17/01/08 @ 1738
5. 20/01/08 @ 0202
6. 22/01/08 @ 1048
7. 27/01/08 @ 11 20

Notes
This work is over 60 minutes duration. That presented difficulties - just finding the time for starters. I had several false starts where I was interrupted by others - especially with the 7th listening. Another issue was that I'd be so tired after work that just sitting down and making an effort to soak up some B Influence would put me to sleep, proper 1st state sleep. So again, timing each listening is important. On the other hand, just because I say I'm going to listen to a CD recording of Bach's Variations shouldn't mean it's plain sailing easy efforts. It shouldn't surprise that this effort took effort to complete. My admiration for József Eötvös still stands, even those extraordinary delicate thin 'weak' lines in the upper register of the instrument manage to hold and contain, nothing is lost. Eötvös' playing has to be described as impeccable.

Negative Talk

Negative emotions make the world go round ...

Duration: Seven days

5th - 11th January

For seven days I will control my mouth. I will not utter anything negative about any person. There shall be no verbal leakage of negative energy either in the words used, the tone or the expression I adopt.

2Pe 1:6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;

Notes:

1. Having formulated this aim, I switched on the TV and caught some popumentary called The Most Annoying People of the Year. Basically half-cast celebs are interviewed on their opinions of other celebs which is then cut with archive footage of the celeb that is getting ripped. Just cheap production values in keeping with celebrity gossip mags and the like. I wasn't even watching the programme as such, just glancing up as different images grabbed my attention. Then I slowly began to realise - and I can hardly believe it now that I am writing it - but it was like I was sub-vocalising what I was hearing. All that negative outpouring was actually entering my being, physically in fact. I don't really believe it happened now that I'm writing it. It's just too strange. I was mimicking their words? So it seemed! (04/01/08)
   
2. Observing thoughts. There's a character at work I put on written warning before Christmas. I would have sacked him long ago, he knows it too. I don't have a problem with his work. But his attitude sucks, his time keeping gets worse and generally he takes the piss. I let him do it on the basis that if I give him enough rope and keep it all documented he'll have no case in a tribunal - I'll not get roasted by the vagaries of employment law in the hands of a solicitor. So I let him hang himself. It's difficult to manage. Other staff think he's getting away with things but that isn't what is actually happening. I'm managing perceptions and the rest. Still, I'm not expecting to see him next week. I'm sure he's got another job. Anyway, my thoughts are drifting around this particular event. I don't bear grudges, I have no problem with him. I'd stop and talk in the street. He's just in the wrong job. Simple. He has anger management issues, as they say. He's got an ugly chip on his shoulder. He's resentful of others. That's grist for the mill if he ever wants to take it up. But I'm watching my thoughts and realising next week I'll be in conversations where people will be slating him. The temptation will be there for me to follow or even lead. And then, thinking about other characters at work, there will be lots of opportunities for me to trip over myself. There is in that environment a lot of negative talk about others. I have it in mind that this whole area of mouth control/talk/thought-chains is ripe for Work over this year - a big area. So ... I'm not saying anything negative about anyone as yet but I'm already noticing negative thoughts - and that is regardless of the fact that I don't really feel negative to this character. It's purely mechanical: he took the piss, I had to handle it carefully to avoid bullshit dismissal claims, other people get pissed off that the situation is unresolved and there is generally a negative vibe in the air and mechanically we all get drawn into putting this guy down whenever he's not around. In practise it may be helpful to counter the external negative expressions of others by adding something positive. In this instance, just stating that this character was in the wrong job or working for the wrong company changes the focus. It may not always be possible and then it's a case of watchful silence. (05/01/08)
   
3. Another interesting event. Went out with family to celebrate Mother's birthday. Before receiving the bill some family were debating over what everyone 'owed'. I wasn't really following the discussion and just went and settled the bill in full. People then wanted to give me their share. I said it was OK but evidently it wasn't, so I accepted what contribution they offered. We departed outside restaurant and I returned home with my brother and mum. They were discussing the pettiness of breaking the bill down to, "you had a wine" and "but you had a lemonade and then a coffee later". I agree, keep it simple, why sweat over differences? Anyway I kept quiet. Later, I was retelling this event. Although I told it as it happened without putting down those family members that argued over the bill, I noticed it was the fact that I saw their actions negatively that motivated me to talk of them. So, in a less than overtly obvious way I was expressing negative emotions about these family members. None of this writing conveys the delicate subtleties of the event - which is often the case when we attempt to translate Work events into words. We look like we lead exceptionally extraordinarily petty lives. Well, maybe we do. (05/01/08)
4. Had my first blow out this afternoon. It was just a matter of time. I can get snappy with people. I always feel primed to fire anyway, just being with people can do that but it's nothing to do with them. They just act as a catalyst. That's why I never struggle with resentment and holding grudges. I explode and within seconds if not immediately, it's over and I'm chill again. I know, it's not worth justifying. I release a burst of negativity and fire it directly into someone and they carry it for a while and then they release and negative emotions make the world go round ... what comes around goes around. (06/01/08)
   
5. I fell down. Just leaving the office and got caught in a conversation about the latest round of bullshit our CEO has thrown out. It seems to have got everyone riled and united against him - well they do say bosses are not there to be liked. Mind, it's the perception of his general incompetence, poor people and management skills why he's not liked. But anyway, I fell in with the drift of the conversation. I maybe was not so identified with indignation and disgust as others but anycase, I was not awake and resisting the event. I was complicit throughout. I don't recall saying anything particularly negative but I offered support and encouraged those doing the negative talk. So what's the difference? (08/01/08)
6. But just how tempting! I so want to say something - I can't say if that is the call of a mechanical habit squirming for air or merely the rebellious saboteur self-will, but there's a mounting tension. (08/01/08)
7. I have to say I haven't suffered so greatly as I expected with regard to control of negative talk, unless I'm just not observing it? And only occasional emotional outbursts. However, a different story identifying with out of control thoughts and runaway emotional states. An unusual event occurred this week which really freaked me out. Briefly, I had a phone call at work and only after a few minutes did I realise something odd in the nature of the enquiries. It was then revealed that I was talking to the HSE about allegations made against our company working methods and practises. The HSE, like Customs & Excise, have more power than the Police. I know enough to understand the implications of being under investigation. I was on the back foot, really feeling like a guilty party, and struggling to respond coherently to a barrage of direct questions. Totally lost my cool and got flustered. It was weird. I was then asked to respond in writing to these allegations. I insisted that the allegations be put in writing first which elicited a rather cool response. I was told it would be easier for me to respond to the telephone conversation. I insisted on something in writing. I hung up. My mind was racing as I began to re-piece the strange fragmented conversation. It was obvious the allegation originated from within the company and only one member of staff, as I reasoned, would want to cause problems. Obviously, we comply with current regulations but it's down to me to prove it now. These events are very challenging, never mind having to disprove the allegations. The world is like this, you may not recognize it, but when you engage in efforts that go against the world - even if you don't yet perceive them as such (yet all efforts to awaken from mechanical slumber are contra mundum) - the world assaults you. It may be your wife, your children, a stranger, your employers, the priest, the law, the government - let's face it, you never know from where the assault will come. I don't mean that I have to answer questions and face the possibility of an HSE investigation but that being in the midst of such events gives one so much cause for friction and discomfort and is a call to Work on oneself and resist naturally mechanical habits. In moments of rest, and I consider this moment as such, being a time for some self-reflection and the like, I feel the power of the Eternal. Whatever the world wants to hit me with, as messy as it wants to get - well, what is it if it isn't a bunch of events set out in time to aid the development of my being? O God of my Exodus, I am an experiment of the solar laboratory. "The root of death is in having been sent forth by God", as Geerhardus Vos so well noted; it is the wages of sin, an inevitability for us. Where are we at death? Ps.73:11 Yea, all kings shall fall down before him: all nations shall serve him. (10/01/08)
   
8. Found myself in a discussion as predicted - at work, another colleague. I resisted and resisted and then succumbed not to negative talk but a subtle kind of piss take. Irresistible in the end, yet I saw it building and kept saying "no, no don't touch it, NO!" and then I just started talking. Interesting how we can be awake in the midst of an event and struggle with it but still overall be conscious and the moment the mouth is opened sleep descends upon us like snow on a field of green grass. (11/01/08)
9. One last note. Two days after this effort was completed I went to the tip with some bags of rubble. Once there I began to dump the bags in a large skip that had a sign on the front "Hardcore & Rubble, Plasterboard". No sooner had I started emptying it than this guy is shouting, "What the hell you doing?" I exploded, I literally went nuts! "WHAT?? I'm emptying rubble into the skip!" He began telling me I should be emptying into the skip with the sign "Soil & Clean Brick". I argued with him that his signs were stupid and misleading. It went on a short while, him defending his signs. I didn't call him a fucking idiot but it came out of me in every other way. Once he started to think, he gave up and disappeared. But the key here is that my response was out of all proportion to the event and that tells us one thing: this was backlash. And, it reminds us, this is the dangerous territory we are talking about. I was ferocious and out of control, anything could have happened. One rule here is to keep up these efforts, remain vigilant against the type of negative talk identified in this aim. (13/01/08)
   

Holy Bible AV 1611

This aim has begun:

1st January 2008 - 31st December 2008

Using the King James Version of the Holy Bible, in a state of self-remembering, read:

• The Old Testament once
• The New Testament twice
  
• The Acts twice

The daily scheme is in M'Cheyne's Bible Reading Plan.